Anxiety
People tell me that being nervous is the same thing
As being anxious
"Oh, you'll be fine!"
"Just breathe!"
"Don't let it get to you."
"It's all...
In your head."
I don't have the heart to tell them how
Incredibly
Amazingly
Fantastically
WRONG they are
Being nervous. Adjective.
When you're unnerved or uncomfortable about the outcome
Of a specific action, like auditioning, turning in an essay
Or writing a piece of poetry.
Being anxious.
Anxious, anxious, anxious.
Even the word sends shivers up my spine
It makes me want to check the time
For no reason
Being anxious is like a race
A race where you're constantly last
When you look ahead of yourself and see the competitors
Crossing the finish line and you're just getting
Farther and farther behind
Anxiety makes you want to lock yourself up
In a mental dungeon when you have to make a phone call.
Walking in public and feeling every retina
Burning holes into your skin
Polka dots on your very existence
Convincing yourself that they can see every sin
Every flaw
Like only their eyes have the power to read your mind
With a single look, to study you like you're a book.
Anxiety isn't just in your head. It's inside of you
Squirming in your bloodstream like earthworms
Burrowing into your brain like maggots
It's when you feel yourself tied down to the thoughts you're taking a dive in
Thoughts that cloud your vision of thinking
And thinking and thinking and thinking
And thinking and thinking.
Resting on the couch, after a long day
Accomplishments settled into a nice little box in your mind
Suddently turns into thoughts
Buzzing like a swarm of killer bees and question marks
Swirling and swirling until...
It's like drowning.
Like an anchor of rattling thoughts pulling you down
Down further into darkness where nothing survives.
When the panic sets in
You can feel it
The fear rising in your throat like bile
Like demons clawing their way up your neckThrough your mouth
Threatening to spill like black ink over your lips
Threatening to let all horrors loose
How can nightmares be so easy to come by?
Anxiety is screaming brains, toxic pains, bloody viens,
Coffee stains, forgotten names, a fear of planes
A love for the sound when it rains
You let it define you
You let it control you
You let it consume you
Invisible to the naked eye of innocent passerbys
How can it be called weakness when you use so much strength for restraint?
How can it be called an illness when you can never see it
And yet it's always with you?
How can it be called "having anxiety" when it's not something you have
But more simply
Something you are?