I wish you knew exactly what I meant when I couldn't look you in the eyes and tell you I hate you.

I wish I could squeeze your hand and push everything I felt, everything I knew, and everything I didn't know to you and maybe you could start to see why I can't be around you.

I wish I could make you understand all the reasons I have to hate you, and all the reasons I can't.

I think I loved you once. I think I loved you and maybe I don't anymore but the residue of that connection is still there, so maybe you shredded me to pieces but I can't help but to smile when I see you, laugh at your jokes, listen to your music, obsess over your obsessions.

So I wish you knew exactly what I meant when forced myself to avoid eye contact and shoved myself away and I wish you knew exactly how badly I spiraled.