That’s Why I’m Here

Chapter One

It was half past midnight when Jenny Miller-Stevens parked her car by the curb and cut the engine, keeping the radio playing softly in the background; otherwise, the complete silence might just drive her crazy. She sat there, with the music providing a low hum of white noise as she gazed at the house three doors down and across the street. She had a relatively good view from her car, a half-smile creeping onto her face as she studied the house.

On its own, it was a rather unremarkable house; not too big or too small, two stories tall, white with black shutters and a bright red door. Jenny’s eyes traveled slowly over each detail, her history with this house and its occupants giving the home an added sentimental value.

The front lawn, immaculately maintained with the rich green grass trimmed perfectly, the flower beds in the left corner closest to the street displaying brightly hued flowers that were dulled only by the dark of night. Jenny smiled as she recalled the beautiful perfectionist who lived here and her insistence that a well-kept lawn was the first part of making a great first impression.

Jenny’s eyes moved to the windows and the translucent white curtains that allowed light in during the day while maintaining the privacy of the interior from the streets.

Jenny’s loving smile faltered as her gaze landed on the two car garage attached to the right side of the house. She lingered over the door on the left, taking a moment to admire the seamless repair job that had been done to it. If Jenny didn’t know first hand how it had been ruined, she would never be able to tell from looking.

Jenny leaned back in her seat as she closed her eyes and let the memory wash over her of that day…the day her entire world changed forever, and she lost everything she held dear.

Flashback

It would be at least three hours until Rebecca came home from work and Jenny was home with their five-year-old son Michael. She had just finished the last beer in the house and she decided she didn’t want to wait for her wife to get home, so she got Michael into his booster seat in the car and got behind the wheel.

Jenny knew she wasn’t sober, but she didn’t think she was drunk either. She was just buzzed, nothing major and after the last three months of living between buzzed and drunk, she was sure she’d be fine to drive the five blocks to the liquor store and back.

Jenny intended to put the car in reverse and back out of the driveway. However, she wasn’t at her best and accidentally put the car in drive. When she pressed down on the accelerator to back out of the driveway, she instead went forward and crashed through the garage door.

Most people at this point would’ve turned the car off and gotten out, checked on their child and realized they should just wait until they were sober. But Jenny, with a small shake of her head, just put the car into reverse and backed out, not even stopping to check the damage. She drove to the store and made it back to the house safely, but that was hardly the point considering the damage to the garage door.

Jenny got Michael back into the house and settled into his playroom just off the family room as she settled back onto the couch to watch the rest of the football game she had interrupted to get more beer.

When Rebecca got home a couple of hours later, that was where she found Jenny. The discussion that quickly escalated into an argument about the garage door, Jenny’s drinking and her irresponsibility led to Rebecca reaching the end of her patience with her wife and relegating her to the couch for the night and demanding she move out the next day.

Jenny opened her eyes and absently noticed tears running down her face. It had taken her a year to get to this point in her life. After Rebecca had kicked her out, Jenny had gone to live with her parents for a bit, thinking this would blow over and Rebecca would calm down and invite her back home. Jenny just had to be patient.

When a week became a month and a month stretched into two, Jenny had to admit to herself that maybe Rebecca wasn’t going to back down this time. Jenny continued to drink the whole time, not realizing that it was her drinking that was keeping Rebecca away, no Jenny had rationalized that it had to be something else, anything other than the truth which was that her drinking was ruining her life.

It didn’t help that her parents didn’t exactly stop her. They took the position that she was a grown woman and could make her own choices. They didn’t bring alcohol into the house, but they also didn’t stop Jenny from bringing it in either.

Jenny wiped away the tears as she sat there, looking at the house she used to share with her wife and son. They were still legally married but separated, and Jenny hadn’t been in the same room with either of them in over a year. Rebecca had refused to let Jenny see Michael until she stopped drinking and, in the haze of alcohol that seemed to follow her around, Jenny had shrugged it off at the time, thinking that she would see him when he came to visit his grandparents.

That plan backfired when her parents agreed to only see Michael at Rebecca’s and to never bring him near Jenny. They could clearly see the road Jenny was on, and they had sided with Rebecca in the matter.

It took another four months for Jenny to get sober. She would stop drinking, and last maybe a week, but something would always set her off, and she’d have a drink. This start and stop loop she had fallen into would go on for another four months as she struggled to understand and control the demons that drove her to drink.

Flashback

Sitting on the small, brown leather couch in the therapist’s office, Jenny looked around at all the degrees on the walls and the random pieces of art. Slowly she tuned back in to what the doctor was saying to her, even if it wasn’t something she wanted to hear.

“So, Jenny, tell me about…Christina.” The therapist, Dr. Alicia Mercera, had a low, deep, modulated voice that seemed to drip with honey. It was soothing, and Jenny felt drawn to the comfort it seemed to provide. However, the topic she had just chosen stole that comfort away and left Jenny feeling…exposed.

“I don’t want to talk about her.”

“That’s too bad because she seems to be the root of the problem here and until you speak about her, we won’t make any progress, and you won’t get any better Jennifer.” Alicia deliberately used the formal version of Jenny’s name, a way to garner her attention.

Jenny’s head shot up as she made eye contact with the Latina doctor. “Don’t call me that.” Only Rebecca had ever called her Jennifer, and that was usually in the throes of passion or when they were alone, and she wanted to flirt with her. Hearing anyone else use that name was too painful and seemed...wrong like she was cheating on her wife.

Alicia nodded, knowing the significance of Jenny’s request. “Alright, but you need to talk about Christina.”

Jenny sighed, she knew this was coming, there would be no avoiding it now that it was out there and she looked down at her hands as she thought about the daughter she never got to raise. “Christina was…perfect.”

Christina was the child that Jenny had given birth to a year ago. She was conceived using the same donor that had given them Michael except that this time around, Jenny had carried the baby. Rebecca had carried Michael, and due to a complication during childbirth, she was no longer able to have children. So Jenny had gotten pregnant and suffered through ten months of morning sickness, weight gain, fluctuating hormones and general discomfort to bring their beautiful daughter into the world.

Everything was perfect, their little family was complete, and Jenny had never been happier in her life. A month later, it all came crashing down.

“Perfect?”

“Yes. She was a quiet baby, never really crying or fussing unless she was hungry or needed to be changed. She slept through the night almost right away. She was…perfect.” Jenny stopped there, the tears threatening to take her over.

“So what happened?” Alicia knew the facts, the details of what happened but she needed Jenny to tell her in her own words. Jenny needed to say the words to begin the healing process.

Jenny took a deep breath, “She died of SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, one minute she was alive and healthy and perfect and the next…she was gone. I walked into her nursery that morning, to get her up and ready for the day, and she didn’t wake up. It was too late, and…she was gone.”

Jenny broke down in the car, the memories of her daughter washing over her. Christina’s death was the catalyst. Losing her daughter like that, with no explanation, no reason, no warning, just a random moment in time was too much for Jenny to handle and she had soon turned to alcohol to dull the pain. It hadn’t helped that Rebecca seemed to bounce back faster than she had, her wife had gone back to work three days after the funeral. To all outward appearances, Rebecca had gotten over the loss of their daughter in record time, and it left Jenny feeling even more isolated than ever, thinking she was alone in her grief.

Her parents were sympathetic, but they too seemed to be over it after a few weeks. Jenny had no way of knowing just how devastated they were, how utterly destroyed Rebecca was over Christina’s death because they never told her and, once the alcohol took hold of her, Jenny wasn’t able to see the signs anyway.

In her alcohol induced mind, she only saw everyone else moving on with their lives and forgetting all about Christina. Rebecca’s brother, David, had been tasked with taking apart the nursery and had managed to get it done in one day while Rebecca took Jenny and Michael out for lunch. Jenny’s lunch had been mainly liquid with a few bites of a hamburger to keep Rebecca happy.

The rage Jenny had displayed when they got home, and the nursery was gone had scared Rebecca, but she had rationalized it away, thinking it was a reasonable reaction to the shock of seeing the nursery gone…especially when she hadn’t told Jenny she was having it taken down. For Rebecca, keeping it up was too painful, and she had hoped that with it gone, Jenny might also be able to move forward.

Jenny took a deep breath and let her gaze wander back to the house, wondering for a moment what would happen if she just walked up to the door and rang the bell. She knew she couldn’t just walk in, even if Rebecca hadn’t changed the locks, it wasn’t her house anymore. Jenny sighed as she leaned her head back on the headrest and closed her eyes, knowing she wasn’t going to be ringing that doorbell tonight.

With her eyes closed, Jenny allowed her ears to listen to the radio for a moment rather than tuning it out as white noise. The song that was starting was slow, but there was something familiar about it, so she took a moment to actually listen to see where she knew it from…when it finally hit her it caused a new wave of tears to gather in her eyes as the words seemed to fit her life a little too well.

No, I ain’t had nothing to drink,

I knew that’s probably what you’d think

If I dropped by this time of night.

Remember way by when

I promised you I’d drop in

At one of those meetings down at the Y

When they started talking about steps you take,

Mistakes you make

the hearts you break,

and the price you pay,

I almost walked away.

Jenny sat there listening to the rest of the song and felt it wash over her. She knew it was going to take more than six months of sobriety to fix the mistakes she made and win back her family, but she also knew she had to make an effort. There was nothing in the world she wanted more right now than to have her wife and son back and she knew that wasn’t going to be an easy task.

Jenny knew, even without having to be told that Rebecca didn’t trust her anymore, heck she probably didn’t even love her anymore and trying to win her wife back might just be a lost cause, but she wasn’t going to be discouraged. If nothing else, even if she couldn’t be with Rebecca anymore, she needed to be in her son’s life, she needed to make things right with Michael. He deserved better than a mom who would choose the bottle over him.

Jenny took a deep breath as she resolved to make it up to him, to be the best mom she could be…if Rebecca allowed her back in their son’s life. Jenny knew it was all up to Rebecca and she was the one who would have the final say about visitation. With one last glance at the house, Jenny started the car up again and slowly, quietly pulled away and drove off, knowing she needed to get some sleep before she came back in the morning to talk to Rebecca and start trying to make amends.

Chapter 2

Rebecca Miller-Stevens watched as the car parked across the street pulled away. As it passed the house, she saw very clearly the side profile of her wife. Rebecca had been watching the car since it had pulled up, discreetly from her bedroom window. She had a feeling it was Jenny, but she couldn’t be sure because it wasn’t the same car Jenny had been driving a year ago. Still, some instinct, a voice in her head had driven her from her bed to the window to see the car as it pulled up. She waited to see if anyone got out to disprove what she already knew to be true. But no one had gotten out, the car just sat there as a shadowy figure in the driver’s seat sat and…watched? Waited? Rebecca wasn’t sure, but she kept watching.

An hour went by, and Rebecca was about to give up, thinking the figure was going to just sit there all night, when the car turned on and drove away, giving Rebecca the clear view of Jenny driving away.

Rebecca took a deep breath, wondering why Jenny was parked on her street after a year of radio silence. Jenny’s parents had kept her updated on Jenny’s life for the first three months after Rebecca had kicked Jenny out, but it was too painful for her to hear that her wife was still drinking, still slowly killing herself with the alcohol so she asked them to stop and they had respected her request. Their visits with Michael became more about enjoying their grandson and spending time with their daughter-in-law than talking about Jenny.

Michael had asked why his mommy wasn’t home and Rebecca had told him that mommy was sick and she had to be in the hospital but that once she was all better, she would be back. Rebecca hadn’t wanted to lie to her son, but the whole truth would’ve been too much for the young boy. There was a small part of Rebecca that still hoped Jenny would get better, would stop drinking and get sober and come back to her. Rebecca still loved Jenny, even after everything that had happened, she still loved her wife…but she didn’t trust her, not when the alcohol was controlling her actions.

Rebecca made her way back to bed, tomorrow was Saturday, and Jenny’s parents were coming over to spend the day with Michael. Rebecca wondered if Jenny would show up the next day, after spending an hour staring at the house. If she did, Rebecca knew she would have to keep Michael from seeing her, it wouldn’t be good to get his hopes up about Jenny if she wasn’t ready to be the mom he deserved.

***

Saturday morning dawned bright as Jenny got out of bed, determined to see Rebecca today. She knew her parents were going to go see Michael today and she was going to use that to her advantage to get Rebecca alone.

Jenny reached over and picked up her cell phone, dialing her mom’s phone before her courage left her. Her parents had made it clear they were on Rebecca’s side in this, and Jenny needed to get sober before they would do anything to help her get her family back. Well, she was six months sober now, and Jenny needed their help.

“Hello?” Jenny’s mom, Angela, answered tentatively, having seen the caller ID.

“Hey mom, it’s Jenny.”

“Yes, I know. What’s up?” Angela loved her daughter, but she knew there wasn’t much she could do to help her with her drinking if she didn’t want to help herself. She’d been so happy when Jenny finally made six months sober, but she knew it was just the beginning. She just hoped her daughter had the strength to stay sober.

“Um…I kind of need a favor, if it’s not too much trouble.” Jenny was losing her courage, wondering if this might be too much to ask of her parents who had sided with her wife in this matter.

Angela refrained from sighing, knowing that if Jenny was reaching out it was important to her. “What kind of favor?”

Jenny took a deep breath, “I know you and dad are going to go see Michael today. I need to talk to Rebecca alone, but I can’t let Michael see me until I know she’ll let me see him again, so I need you to ask Rebecca to meet me somewhere neutral while you and dad stay with Michael. If I knock on the door, Michael might see me, and I don’t want to put Rebecca in the position of having to tell him he can’t see me you know? Please, mom?”

Angela took a moment to think about that before she answered, “I will pass along the message because I know you are really trying to be better, but I can’t guarantee she will meet you, and I won’t pressure her to either. If she wants to see you, that’s her choice, understand?”

“Yeah, thanks, mom. Just…let her know I’ve been sober for six months now, and I am really trying here. I just…I want my family back, mom.”

Angela softened, “Oh honey I know you do, but that’s not just up to you, and it’s not going to be easy. You have to prepare yourself for the possibility that all you might ever get is weekly supervised visits with Michael and nothing more.”

Jenny nodded even though her mom couldn’t see her over the phone, “I know, and if that’s all I get, I will deal with it. But I have to at least try to get Rebecca back too. I still love her mom… I just hope she still loves me too.”

Angela did sigh then, “Love isn’t always enough Jenny, trust is needed too, and from what Rebecca has said in the past, she doesn’t trust you anymore. That’s what you need to focus on, rebuilding the trust she once had in you. Because, if she doesn’t trust you, honey, all the love in the world won’t be enough to fix your relationship with her and have your son back. I have to go now; Rebecca is expecting us. Where do you want her to meet you?”

Jenny thought about that and said, “Jo’s Diner on Sycamore. I’ll be there in half an hour and will wait as long as it takes. Thanks again mom. I love you.”

“I love you too Jenny. Good luck. Bye.”

Jenny hung up the phone and sat back, thinking about what her mother had told her, about trust. She knew that would be a major hurdle, knew that she had shattered Rebecca’s trust when she had crashed into that garage door. It had taken months of therapy with Dr. Mercera to come to terms with all of it, to accept her role in the events that had played out from the day she had found Christina dead in her crib.

With Dr. Mercera’s help, Jenny could remember Christina without the soul-crushing grief that drove her to the bottle in the first place. She could remember the good things about her daughter, the way she smiled (even with Rebecca saying it was just gas), the way her eyes would follow Jenny’s lips as she talked, as if she could actually understand her words, the comforting combination of baby powder and her own natural baby scent that Jenny would bury her nose in when she held her daughter. Jenny found herself actually smiling at the memories as she thought about her daughter.

Jenny reached over to her nightstand and opened the drawer to pull out a small picture frame. She gazed at the image, frozen in time, of herself, Michael, Rebecca, and Christina, a family photo taken by her mom of the four of them, smiling and happy. The picture was taken a week before Christina’s death, and Jenny had kept it hidden, usually pulling it out to justify her drinking but now, it was a symbol of why she had to stay sober.

Jenny traced her fingers over the faces in the picture, the smooth glass protecting them from her hands while hoping she could fix what she had broken. Her fingers lingered on the image of Rebecca, tracing the contours of the face she knew as well as her own, and remembering the softness of the skin, the smile that would always form when they were together; the smile that all but vanished in the weeks following Christina’s funeral. Jenny really missed that smile, missed her wife and her son and just wanted to get back what she had thrown away for the oblivion of alcohol.

Chapter 3

Rebecca sat in her car just outside of Jo’s Diner and watched her wife through the window. Jo’s was a throwback to those old-school diners made out of trailers and train cars. It was sleek and shiny but had vintage touches as well, like pink and green accents. It was a typical greasy spoon joint, and Rebecca couldn’t help but smile at Jenny’s choice for a meeting.

The diner had big windows all along the front where people could sit in a booth and watch the world as they ate. Rebecca noticed Jenny wasn’t eating, though, she was clinging to a coffee cup and looking nervous. Rebecca sighed, silently cursing her own curiosity in agreeing to come here.

She wondered what Jenny would say when she saw her. “Only one way to find out,” she muttered to herself as she got out of the car and headed towards the diner.

Jenny was sitting in the booth, staring into the coffee cup as if it had the answers she was looking for when she heard the bell above the door ring. It had done that a few times in the half hour she’d been sitting there, but this time, something told her to look up, and when she did, she saw her wife standing there. Rebecca was as beautiful as ever, and Jenny was once again aware of how stupid she had been to ever lose this woman.

As Rebecca approached her table, Jenny quickly stood up and waited for Rebecca to sit down. It was something Jenny had always done when they were dating. It was a sign of respect that Jenny never failed to show to her wife. A throwback to the days when women were valued and respected.

Rebecca smiled at the gesture, her mind going back to all the other times Jenny did something like that, and her heart started whispering that her Jenny was back. Rebecca knew, however, that it would take more than a few chivalric gestures to convince her brain to let her heart have its way. She knew it would take time for her to ever trust Jenny again but this was a good start.

Rebecca sat down in the booth and watched as Jenny sat down. Before either woman could say anything, the waitress stopped by their table. “What can I get you, sweetie?” The waitress was in her 50’s and had a slight southern twang, she called everyone sweetie, sugar, or handsome.

Rebecca looked up at her and smiled, “Just a coffee, for now, thanks…” her eyes glanced at the nametag, “Meg.”

Meg smiled, “coming right up.” She turned to Jenny, “refill?”

“Yes please.”

Meg nodded then walked away to grab the coffee pot. She was back in less than a minute and, after filling their cups, she smiled again and left them alone with the advice to holler if they needed anything.

Once they were alone, Jenny chanced a smile at Rebecca, “Thank you for meeting me.”

Rebecca kept her face impassive and her voice neutral as she said, “Of course.” She wasn’t about to tell Jenny that Angela had made it seem like denying this meeting would make her seem cruel and heartless. “What did you want to talk about?”

Jenny sighed, she’d known this wasn’t going to be easy, but she wasn’t prepared for Rebecca to be so…indifferent. “I wanted to see you, to tell you about the progress I’ve made and to ask you for a chance…to be the wife and mother I used to be before…” she trailed off, unable yet to say Christina’s name, not knowing how Rebecca would react.

“Before you threw it all away for a bottle of Jack and the numbness of alcohol?” Rebecca couldn’t help the slight tone of bitter anger that seeped into her voice.

Jenny’s head dipped down to stare at the table as she whispered, “yeah…I deserved that.” Then she looked up at Rebecca, “I’m better now. I admit I got a bit…lost after Christina…died but, I am finding my way back and,” she took a breath, “I want my family back Rebecca.”

The silence stretched out as Rebecca pondered Jenny’s statement and drank her coffee. Finally, she said, “It’s not that easy Jen.” She paused, taking a breath, “you really hurt me and I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. How do I know you won’t dive back into the bottle if something bad happens again? I can’t risk it, Jen,…not with Michael to consider.” Rebecca hated saying it, but sometimes the truth wasn’t pretty.

Jenny nodded, “I know it won’t be easy. I’m just asking for a chance to…fix what I broke and maybe have my wife and son back in my life.” Jenny wasn’t expecting miracles, she just wanted the opportunity to prove to Rebecca that she was herself again.

Rebecca took a moment to think about that, and she took a breath. “I need some time Jenny. This is a lot to process, and I need some time to think it all through. If your…rehabilitation is genuine and solid, then I will consider letting you back into Michael’s life…with a few conditions. As for you and me…right now all I can say is, don’t get your hopes up. I still love you Jen, but like I said, I don’t trust you and until I can…we can’t be together. I’m sorry.”

Jenny nodded, holding back her tears. “I understand. I wasn’t expecting it to happen all today, hell I wasn’t even expecting it to happen anytime soon, I just…like I said, I want a chance to prove myself to you and to fix what I broke.”

Rebecca nodded, “Okay well…I will think about it and get back to you. Is there a number I can reach you at or are you still staying with your parents?”

“Actually, I moved out. I got my own place about three months ago. Nothing fancy, just a small one bedroom apartment but it’s enough…for now.” Jenny reached into her pocket, pulled out a piece of paper, and slid it over to Rebecca, “This is my new cell phone number. I kinda…broke the other phone and had to get a new one, so I got a new number for it as well.” Jenny didn’t want to reveal that she had done all this at her lowest point when she had almost entirely given up on ever getting her shit together and getting her family back. It had been her lowest point and the thing that drove her to finally get sober and stay sober. However, that was a story for another day.

Rebecca nodded as she took the paper, instinctively knowing not to ask any questions. Rebecca stood up then and said, “I have to get going. I’ll be in touch…Jennifer. Goodbye.” With that, Rebecca left the diner.