Black Tuesday

The Story of my upside out

I was born on Christmas day 1973 into a big, but soon to be broken family.

I was born on one of the government initiative council estates that emerged from Birmingham England around this era.

I was christened catholic, which was an anomaly in this area.

Even though I had many brothers and sisters I seemed to grow up alone. Our father committed suicide when I was only two. So as a result, all my brothers and sisters adapted strange personality traits. One of which is that we can never stay close to people, myself, because I fear that they will penultimately leave me.

With all this in mind and being brought upon a rough reggae loving, drug dealing, car stealing estate (that at the time was the second biggest in Europe). I always felt like I didn’t belong. maybe partially because I couldn’t get close to people, sometimes feeling like I was adopted. But mainly because I felt depressed all my life and have been attracted to things that reflect that because I lacked the inability to show how I felt… that was of course until…

One night staying up late watching MTV I heard the song “hands all over”. We had a VCR so I was lucky enough to have recorded it. I was blown away, this wasn’t a song about what I was used to hearing, this wasn’t a song about boy meets girl, this wasn’t a song about dancing in a disco, this was a song about the misleading world of politics, people as puppets, our neglect for our planet…. I was hooked.

I had a part time job at the time so could buy the “Louder than love” album. I remember the sheer excitement of playing it the first time whilst preparing food for my first real sweetheart… I cut my finger and the blood stain is still on the white inner sleeve of the record. The relationship with the girl didn’t last long, but my relationship with the garden will outlive my mortal body…

I got deeper into the music. Bought previous and any new records that came out. My eldest brother once said that he thought my music taste was too serious and depressing…. So, I played him the cover version of Lennon’s one minute of silence, he soon realised the humour carried the darkness.

Because this was a world of no internet or social media and surrounded by clones it was hard to share this music anyone else until I met a like-minded individual called Sam. I had known him since school but no one liked this style of music so it was never discussed. When we discovered our tastes were similar a friendship was born. We remained good friends until I moved on to another chapter of my life (we are Facebook friends today).

Hanging out with Sam brought us to rock clubs where their other people who lived and breathed this awesome music, more part time friendships were made.

I was interested in photography and wanted to do album covers (influenced heavily by Kevin Westenberg) so I enrolled on a college course in media. On the course, I had made more friends solely on the basis that they also liked Soundgarden and other grunge bands. I played guitar, they played in bands. I was always too shy to accompany them at gigs but would support them. But when at college they would help me record the backing music for my projects… often dark experimental pieces. One of my buddies was the first to get and listen to “down on the upside” and we were both mystified how similar “boot camp” sounded to a piece we had previously recorded. Probably influenced from…

During the course, I opted for corrective surgery on my eyes which meant that for 24 hours after surgery I would have to keep both eyes closed whilst they healed. To pass the time I listened to the “Superunknown” over and over. It seemed because of my lack of vision my hearing was even more sensitive. I heard so many more layers to this album than previously. Ironically when I got the blu ray version a few years ago I was amazed to hear even more layers… it truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

As the years have passed Chris’s music has helped word emotions for me, “say hello to heaven” when my grandmother died. “arms around your love” when making the wrong relationship decisions. But more importantly he has always gotten me fair weather friends that help me temporarily fit in solely because of wearing a T-shirt that someone identifies with that breaks the ice.

As the years have passed Chris’s music has helped word phrases for me for use in essays or inspiring others. If People couldn’t hear me I would tell them to “listen louder”. In an essay for postmodernism I believe it was better penned “the big lies, are more likely to be believed” when I’m lost in thought, “I’m in a roof a thousand years wide”. I take consolation in that song in the fact I like to think that it’s about my father watching and waiting to meet the son who outlived him.

A few years ago, my mother was taken in to hospital for treatment on a recurring cancer. I called this day Black Tuesday. The cancer finally got the better of my mother. Her circumstances made me think of “like a stone”. She spent a lot of her time alone with only a handful of friends. As I mentioned earlier, all my brothers and sisters are in a similar position too. We all regret not talking about our feelings and how our fathers suicide affected us. And I guess our mother was the root of that yet undiscovered fundamental we failed to understand or question. so, we kept our emotions hidden underneath. This eventually got to me and I got severely depressed and one night between medication alterations was pushed over the edge… obviously because I am writing this shows how I manged to pull myself back. Listening to “king animal” helped me illustrate and find reason in my life again, especially songs like “rowing” and “Black Saturday” (how could euthanasia sound so happy).

Now to keep my mind active in dark times I immerse myself in creative projects. Personal arty videos. Modifying guitars. I was building up to a video about a guitar I modified and its creation and how totally inspired Chris and the garden-iers have been to my creative outlet. Me and another friend even toyed with the idea of writing a musical that used only Soundgarden songs to tell the story. I always hoped, anticipated that Chris and indeed the other garden-iers would someday see these creations and the gift they have given to us. But of course, wishes sometimes fall on deaf ears…

When Chris passed it made me reflect on my life. All the friends I had found through his music messaged me and offered support, due to my issues I have always felt alone yet that day I realised I wasn’t. his words, his music has given me an escape from my dark passenger, a quirky outlook to inspire others, motivation to express myself creatively…

It has created solace where a black hole has always been.

I realise no matter how dark it is on the inside, all I must do is go out into the garden….

Thank you, Chris, please say hello to my Mom and Dad in heaven.