The Transmuted (Chapter 7)

 The lights had gone off some time ago, but I was awakened by another buzz of the phone. The glare was overpowering as it always was at night and I peered cautiously at it when my eyes adjusted. The time was 11:20 and the vibration was caused by a text from Anthony reading,

“Hey what’s up man?”

The only reason any guy would text another that late was to ask for urgent help on work or to discuss a personal matter, I was expecting the latter. I sat up in bed, propped up by my elbow as I replied,

“Nothing much, what about you?”

I could see the three gray dots immediately pop up where his new text would soon appear indicating that he was typing out his reply. I took a look around the room I’d come to know as my own which mostly still shrouded in darkness despite the harsh light of my phone screen. I thought about playing some music to pass the time but elected against it until I knew what topic Anthony and I were going to discuss. Another vibration shook the phone in my hand and I glanced down.

“Same here man. I’ve just been really lonely recently.”

I decided to play some music and my phone picked up where it left off, softly playing Street Lights in the background.

“Yeah, I get that. What sparked it for you?” I sent.

The three dots appeared again but this time I backed out of the message thread, expecting the next text to be a long one. I clicked onto Tinder and viewed the conversation I had going with Violet which had been pleasantly surprising. We’d basically gotten to know each other, which meant learning each other’s basic information, a few hopes and dreams, and a slew of each other's likes and dislikes. In one of the highlights of the conversation, she’d asked me why I was on Tinder and I’d answered, “I don’t know just looking to meet new people really.” The truth actually would’ve ran like, “I’m looking for a girl to fill the hole left inside me by another girl, but obviously nothing too serious because she might become available at any time (a man can dream right) and either way I’m leaving for school in a few months.” However, I think the deception went unnoticed and I actually posed the question to her and she replied, “Same, same, just looking to meet new people :)” and I’d wondered if I was potentially filling a hole for her as well.

Anthony’s message arrived,

“I guess it’s not really one thing, in particular, it just hits me when I’m alone sometimes. Like I’ll be reading about love or see it and it’s just like I want that, why can’t I have that you know? And I mean I kind of had that with Brittany, but we were just too different.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

He replied quickly,

“It’s weird because we didn’t date that long and I know it wouldn’t have worked long term, but I still feel really hurt by what she did do you have any explanation for that?”

“Well I think it’s because we want to understand the people we love but we can’t truly know anyone and even worse no one truly knows you. Like I think that’s why people begin to dislike their parents because they’re supposed to always be there for you and to understand what you’re going through because they literally created you but you change naturally and then they’re in the dark. And you look to your friends but around them you want to be the best version of yourself and you shield parts of your true nature from them and you still feel alone, so many turn to a significant other, which in an ideal sense is your best friend and knows you more intimately than anyone else and who you can be safe to be vulnerable and true around. But then you change or they change or you find out who they really are or vice versa and then they’re no longer there for you and it fades away. I know how you feel because I feel it too, it’s like bleeding out in front of millions of people and not being able to get anyone to help.”

I sent the message and laid down for a second staring up at nothing. The song had changed to Marvin’s Room which was somewhat appropriate, and my thoughts drifted off towards Mary. The funny thing is that even though I knew what I texted was true and that no love was perfect all the time and that perhaps even the institution was a fantasy perpetuated by sensational romance novels and Disney movies, I still wanted her more than anything. My heart still bounced at the sight of her and nothing else mattered when I was in her presence. I could give the advice, that solitude was eternal and love should be undertaken without illusions, but I still hold to the hope against hope of the romantic, impossible love close to my chest like a miser grasping at his last gold coin, ready to annihilate anyone who even thought about taking it away from him.

“Yeah man, well said. It’s just hard sometimes not having someone there to even try to help out with the loneliness, even though they can’t be there all the time.”

I sighed and everything ached faintly as I thought about Mary, beautiful unattainable Mary. I flipped over to Snapchat and saw that she’d opened my snap but hadn’t replied. I sighed again,

“Yeah. It really does.”

I expected that to be the end of the conversation so I placed my phone beside me and lay on my side waiting for sleep to fall on me. The music had ended and I closed my eyes and tried not to think of anything. The phone vibrated again and the light forced my eyes open again.

“Since you kind of deal with the same thing, do you have any ideas on how to work through it?”

My fingers typed out an answer as soon as I’d read it,

“Writing about it helps sometimes, but sometimes it makes it worse. I’m also on Tinder and that almost always makes it worse but there’s always a chance it could immediately be better.”

The music had changed again and my phone selected Flugdank, the melodic bass comforting me slightly.

“That sounds good. I’ll probably try both.”

“That’s good.”

“Between you and me though,” I continued, “what did you see in Brittany anyway? Like I didn’t even know you guys really talked until after it was over.”

Once the message was sent, I suddenly recognized my error and hoped that the question didn’t pull Anthony deeper down into his misery. A lightning strike of a thought, Anthony asking me about Mary for revenge, flashed across my mind and frightened me. However, Anthony took my question in good stride,

“Yeah, I didn’t really understand it either. One night last summer she literally just texted me and asked whether I’d want to go out sometime and I basically just accepted because I was scared of her at the time. She was actually sweet though as you get to know her. But then at that party, she got wild and I thought it was best to get out of there. We’re still amicable though I mean as amicable as two people can be after that.”

“Wow, really? You guys are still friends?”

“Yeah, I mean she apologized for it and even asked me and wanted to go out again but we’re just too different.”

Brittany was a tall, attractive, and powerful girl that championed every girl’s sports team fathomable. She held a pretty high reputation at school and her brief relationship with Anthony had been an engaging development all of last summer. The relationship though ended tragically at the back-to-school party filled with Trinity high nobility. According to the legend,- I wasn’t invited to the party -Anthony had entered the party late to find Brittany intoxicated, which seriously bothered him because his older brother died from alcohol poisoning. Apparently, he told Brittany that drinking wasn’t something that he was all right with and to see her like that hurt him. He explained later that it wasn’t even that blow that sunk the ship, but, when he saw that everyone else was in an even worse state than her and that some were even pressuring him to join their debauchery, he left the party and walked five miles back to his house. Afterward, he admitted he might have overreacted, but both of them knew the other probably wasn’t a good fit.

“Yeah, I guess it’s like that sometimes,” I texted throwing a platitude out to try to express the inexpressible. Anthony appreciated the effort,

“Yeah, it is.”

He waited for a second and then added another text,

“Hey man thanks for talking with me about this, it means a lot to have a friend like you.”

I smiled down at the text and sighed again, a sigh of contentment rather than longing or disappointment.

“Yeah man, you’re welcome. I’m glad to help anytime and I know I can count on you for the same.”

“Yeah for sure.”

Then in the following text,

“Well, goodnight see you tomorrow.”

“See you later.”

I locked my phone and paused the music along with it. Slumber now felt closer than ever and I was glad to go back to sleep but also glad to have helped a friend.