Unhappy Father’s Day

Sorry in advance for the poorly wrote entry. I am typing this on my phone so there's bound to be errors. I just really have to vent and I didn't know where else to go. The title of this entry could be a little misleading. In my opinion I had and still have a great father. Today was just so bad because i deal with depression everyday anyways. I always feel horrible about myself. If you haven't read my entry on knowing my worth you can read all about how close to suicide i was. Just because i havent gotten to that point lately doesnt mean i dont fight with those same demons. I lived on my own for 9 yrs and hated it. I hated so much i was either going to blow my head off or eat myself to death on purpose. After 9 years the third option was to open up and be honest and ask for help. So now I'm 30 living back at my parents house in my old bedroom. Im single and very lonely. I found one girl i was able to talk to and thought we might be going somewhere but it turned out we were just friends and there was someone else she decided to marry. Even though that upset me i cherished our friendship and didnt want to lose her so we continued talking. She moved away and we were both so unhappy that i thought maybe some way there may be still a chance. She was telling me one thing but her actions said another. She got pregnant and had a baby a few weeks ago. I havent really talked to her since the baby was born. It's clear to me now where i fit in. To avoid all the mixed emotions i deleted facebook. I knew there was bound to be baby pictures on there and stupid comments from people. So a few weeks passed and i decided to get back on. I swear facebook mustve saved all the pics for me to see. I havent liked them and ive kept my distance. Like i said, its clear where i stand. Especially when her profile picture is her hold the baby and her husband kissing her. I know i probably sound like the bad guy here because shes married but our conversations were deep. And i liked her before they were even together. Anyways, she's the one id normally be venting this all to but i can't. Today being Father's day there were more pictures i didn't want to see on there. Not only from her but from all the people on my facebook. Either they posted pictures of them with their kids or there wives posted what a great father they are. You know how my day started. I went to church and i knew the sermon was going to be boring for me because it was about being a good father. Totally unrelatable for me. However, there was something mentioned about how you should raise your kids to be on their own and independent. So at 30, single and living at home you can probably guess how that hit me. Today i should have celebrated my father. On the outside that's what i did. On the inside, from church to facebook i was just reminded of how much of a loser i am. Happy fucking fathers day.