Mornings With Evan Williams

She had packed up and left at 4am, embraced me one last time with a tear soaked collar. She drove away in the car we shared, but she had bought and paid for. She hired movers to take away the tv, couch, and most of the kitchen, as well as everything else she had paid for which was most of the apartment. She would have packed away my sins and taken them with her, because she had certainly paid for those as well. The movers could only take tangible things.

She had led the team of Mexican men around the apartment and pointed to what they should pack away.

"Si senora" the roundest Mexican with the clipboard said as she gave instructions. I couldn't watch anymore. I left for the bar.

I came back several hours and several whiskey sours later to find the place mostly empty, and her asleep in the bed she was allowing me to keep, even though she had paid for that too.

I took off my pants and climbed in next to her, slipping my hand under the sheets to rub her thigh. She turned over and I kissed her lips.

"What are you doing?" She opened her eyes to meet mine, her brow furrowed. "You said we were through." She stared through me to my soul.

"Stay with me." I implored her.

"Fuck you!" She turned her back to me and ripped the sheets away to wrap them around her body in a protective cocoon.

I slid my hand under the covers again and rubbed her thigh and rested my face beside hers.

"But, I love you" I whispered into her ear and I felt her thigh relax. She didn't answer me, but didn't stop me. I ran my hand from her hip down to her knee, then up her inner thigh. She rolled to her back and brought one knee up to rest on my stomach. She didn't look at me, but didn't stop me.

She let me taste her. She didn't look at me.

She let me enter her. She didn't look at me.

She didn't say a word.

She let me fill her, and didn't say a word.

I rolled over and pulled her into me and kissed her neck. She still wouldn't look at me, so I let go and rolled to the other side of the bed.

I awoke to her dressing in the corner and shoving some toiletries into a duffel bag. I watched without a sound until she began to lace up her shoes.

"Are you leaving?" She jumped at my voice.

"Yes. I'm leaving now."

"Stay with me."

"No. " she turned for the door.

I jumped out of bed and threw on some shorts that were flung over the dresser. I tripped over my boots and several other articles of clothing that littered the floor as I attempted to chase her.

The room spun and I tried to get my footing.

I caught her at the door as she swung her jacket over her shoulders. I couldn't say anything. I just watched her prepare herself for the cold and the long drive ahead of her. She didn't speak either. I handed her the keys after threading the apartment key off the ring. I tossed it onto the counter. I would never find that key again. The counters were covered in junk mail and empty liquor bottles, anything else would be lost in the chaos.

I watched her do her habitual pocket check to make sure she had all of her things, and as she patted herself down, her eyes began to swell with tears. I had broken her and she knew it. I hadn't intend to, but I was careless and she was more fragile than I had ever expected.

I walked behind her down the stairs and onto the frigid street. The temperature hadn't exceeded twenty Fahrenheit for weeks and our cheeks flushed instantly when meeting the icy air.

She hit the remote start and finally looked up to let our eyes meet for the last time. Tears beaded and rolled down her frozen cheeks. She made no attempt to wipe them away. I reached to wipe one away and she turned her cheek.

"You did this." She looked at me from the side. "You said it's over. You can't take that back." I couldn't answer. She was right, and now she would be gone. I took her hand and pulled her close to me. Her tears soaked my shirt and her mascara smeared on my collar.

"I have to go now," she said from within my embrace. I looked down and she let me press my lips to hers once more. She looked right through me once more and turned away.

I watched her drive away until her tail lights disappeared. I was frozen. I went back up the stairs into the apartment we used to share. It felt more hollow than ever before. I went to the freezer and pulled out the bottle of Evan Williams.

I awoke several hours later, sitting in the tub. It was empty and the window was open. I lit a cigarette and sat on the toilet. The freezing seat woke me enough to check the time. 3:08pm.

I sucked down my cigarette and put on a shirt that smelled clean. I looked around for my coat but gave up and took the final swig of whiskey from the now warm plastic bottle.

I made my way down the street. In the same direction I watched her drive away. It was eleven hours ago that she had left, she was half way home by now. I stumbled into the Tap & Mallet and sat down at the stool that knew my butt quite well.

Candice greeted me from behind the bar and poured me a whisky sour without a word from me. She asked me how I was and I lied and said life was good. She bounced in front of me and tried to make small talk, but I was only interested in drowning.

The bar started to fill and she was too busy to talk. She filled my drinks as needed.

I watched her walk back and fourth behind the bar. Bending for beer glasses and stretching to reach the top shelf (not for me, though).

Her breasts bounced gently as she shook together mixed drinks, and her ass stared back at me when she turned to open a new tab.

I stared down at my drink for a minute and when I looked up she was gone. Another girl had taken over for her. A skinny girl with thin black hair and a heart tattoo on her wrist. I looked towards the back. How long had I been staring into this drink?

"Lookin for me?" I felt gentle fingers across my shoulders and snapped my attention to my left. Candice perched herself on the stool beside me and smiled from the corner of her lips.

"Yeah. I suppose" I answered and downed my drink.

"Ursula! Two whiskey sours here" she hollered to the skinny new girl and the girl nodded. "Don't worry, they are on me." She put a gentle hand on my wrist.

We sat and talked and laughed. I had several more drinks that she paid for before Candice asked me to walk her home. She said she was only a few blocks away, but I wasn't sure I could stand let alone walk. I agreed anyway but pardoned myself to the bathroom first. I managed to walk to the bathroom just fine and went into the stall. I took a piss and held the wall while looking down at myself.

I gave myself a silent pep-talk and went to the sink to splash some cold water on my face. The water smelled and tasted like rust. Wonderful.

We braved the chilling winds to make it the few blocks to her apartment. I hadn't bothered to find my coat so when we reached her door, I was frozen to my core.

"Do you want to come in and warm up?" She kindly offered. Hell yes I did.

She took my hand and led me into her apartment. It was like something out of a Pier One catalog, down to the stupid throw pillows and useless tassels that hung from the curtain rods. She told me to make myself comfortable so I sat in an arm chair by the radiator. She took off her coat and went to her bedroom as though I wasn't even there.

"Can I smoke in here?" I shouted to her.

"I would prefer if you didn't." She poked her head out to answer. I lit a cigarette anyway and opened the window next to me.

I flicked the butt out of the window and closed it as she came out of her bedroom. She was now wearing tiny cloth shorts and a tiny tank top that barely covered her obviously fake breasts. I wanted to put my face between them.

She sat on the arm of the chair I had claimed and leaned down to kiss me.

She wasted no time in foreplay and stuck her hand down the front of my pants. I reached under her shirt and she promptly removed the needless cloth covering for me. She smiled and moved into my lap.

The drink was still hazing my head so I tried hard to focus on the feel of her hands exploring me. She rubbed herself all over me and I could tell she was getting exhausted in her efforts to arouse the more useful parts of me.

Candice was a gorgeous girl, but the days events and the whiskey made her work much harder than she was used to, so she shimmied down my lap and onto the floor where she positioned herself on her knees in front of me. She ran her tongue up and down my debilitated member until she managed some kind of excitement. She turned and dropped her shorts and invited me into an ass that had been freshly waxed and smelled of vanilla and almonds.

I could tell she was well versed in this particular practice, so I took myself in hand and shoved in, still half flaccid.

She moaned as though she liked it, but it wasn't enough for me. It didn't feel like the one I lost and the memory of her tears made me lose all excitement. I thrusted a few more times, in hopes of getting passed the memory of the morning. It didn't work.

I sat back in the arm chair and she got back onto her knees. She was determined. She put her tongue back to work.

I awoke the next morning in Candices' arm chair. I still hung out of my pants, soft and sad. A note sat on my knee. "Let yourself out and please don't come back."

I found her bathroom and took a piss, didn't flush, brushed my teeth with her tooth brush, left toothpaste stuck to the bottom of the sink, and flipped her toilet paper roll so it unrolled from the bottom. I left and didn't lock the door.

I walked down to the street trying to recall the night before. I reached my own block, and in that time had determined that I must have passed out while she was trying to arouse me with her mouth. I could blame her for pumping me full of whiskey. I could blame the miserable events that had unfolded that morning. I could blame myself. Instead I went across the street to the little bodega and got a bottle of cheap whiskey and a carton of cheap cigarettes. I smoked as I walked up to my door and walked into the empty and now loveless apartment. I sat down on the bed and drank, and erased Candice from my phone contacts.