The Cat Did it...

“Now get out” I yelled.

“What?!” he said, standing there in his white tube socks soaked in his own urine, boxers, and t-shirt. His pants were still in my bedroom.

I was living in Seoul, South Korea, and I was teaching English to a bunch of kids. All of us English instructors were out drinking, because that’s what you do in Korea. Drink. We were at a local bar. We usually took the subway for an hour to get near any English speaking people, but that night we were lazy.

At the bar, I met this blonde guy who said he was from Toronto. He was there to be a DJ. We talked about Canada, we talked about ecstasy, and then we talked about him coming home with me. “I don’t want to take the subway all the way home. Do you live near here?” He asked. I too am from Canada, so the conversation was soothing. I got sucked in.

We took a cab to my apartment, “Jung Gae Dong, O-dung-gee” I told the cab driver, in my best Korean. That meant the 500 block of the slew of apartments that I lived in. We made it to my apartment and climbed up to the 9th floor of the dingy place that I lived at. Things, well, they went well, until I woke up in the middle of the night. I woke up to him getting out of my bed. He wasn’t exactly stealth about it. I didn’t move, but I opened my eyes to see what he was getting up to do. My cat was awake, and he too, was watching to see what this guy was going to do. I didn’t even know his name.

To my surprise, he walked over to the door frame of my bedroom door, paused, and pulled out his penis. He began to urinate all over my floor. I still didn’t move. I just watched in horror. I didn’t know what to do. He crawled back into bed as though nothing had happened. I laid there for a minute, and I thought about what I should do. Meanwhile, my cat was sitting on the floor staring at me as though he too, was asking for a reaction. I had to think carefully. I didn’t know anything about that guy and the closest person who could help me was at least two blocks away. I had to be tough.

I got up quietly and grabbed my cell phone. I had my boss’s number on the screen. All I needed to do was to hit send, and he’d be there in probably 15 minutes, at least. Meanwhile, he was sound asleep in my bed while there was a disgusting puddle of urine in my doorway. I needed to wake him up, but how? I was disgusted with him, and I didn’t want to even touch him. I looked around, and I saw the squirt bottle that I used for my cat when he was doing something wrong. I stood there, in the corner of my bedroom with a squirt bottle, that I put on stream, and a cell phone. I stared at him for a few minutes and then, I unleashed the squirt bottle.

At first he twitched. And then he rubbed his face, reacting to the water. Finally, he jumped up and said, “What the fuck are you doing?” “Get up!” I told him. Amidst my pondering what to do with the phone and the water bottle, I had prepared my mop bucket and mop for him to sop up his mess. I had jumped over the puddle or urine and placed it just outside of my bedroom. “Get up!” I yelled again. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked. “Me? What’s wrong with me? You’re the one who pissed on my floor!” I shouted, pointing the water bottle at him as though it was a gun. He was vertical and walked through the bedroom door into his puddle, “What the fuck is that?” he shouted. I shouted back, “That’s your puddle of piss!” “That’s not mine, it must have been the cat!” he argued. “The cat?! Really?! Are you retarded?! The cat couldn’t have done even half of that. It was you. I watched you stand there and piss on my floor!!” I argued back. “I have my boss on speed dial, and he can be here in two minutes. Clean up your mess!” I yelled with authority. “What?!” he asked puzzled. “I put the mop and bucket out for you to clean up your mess. I’m not touching it!”

I guess I was intimidating enough. He started to clean it up. Once I was satisfied with his clean up job, I threw him out. “Now, get out!” I yelled. “What?!” he questioned. “Are you fucking serious?” he asked. “Yeah, get the fuck out of here! And, forget where I live!” “I don’t have any money to take the subway home” he whined. “I don’t care, get the fuck out of my apartment!” I yelled back. He held his clothes in his hands that I had thrown at him, and I muscled him out of my door. And that was it. He was never to be seen again.