Dear Son, Love Mom, and Dad

"Son, the reason I want to talk to you is that it is time you know about life and about people. You are thirty years old and have been a great disappointment to me and your mother. She blames me every time she looks at you.

She says, 'How could you do that to me.' Referring to you.

I know that you have not been with many women, or for that fact any women, but it's time you know what not to do. That stuff you watch on the Internet is fake. They really don't love the guy. It's a show, which brings me up to another subject. I can't pay those charges on those sites you visit anymore, you're going to have to get a job and a credit card under your own name. Sorry son.

You need to be a little more responsible if you want to meet a woman and have a physical relationship. Selling recycled cell phone batteries on CraigsList doesn't really count. In order to help you out, your mother has left me and I had to sell the house. We kept it a secret from you as long as we could, but tomorrow the moving men are coming. To make things easier for your soon to be divorced parents I will take you to Chipolte. It's the one about 60 miles from here. I've found a place for you and have paid the first and last months rent, plus I'm giving you $750 cash. To get you started.

What's that? No, I'm not giving you a computer. You'll just have to go out into the real world and meet someone. God save them, whoever they are.

Rather than sleep in your bed tonight, why don't you go out and sleep in the car. You know, just to get used to a new lifestyle. We love you son and I hope that this talk has been useful and educational. Just remember, if you ever grow up, don't have children. You know where they come from, don't you?"