fool’s gold and plastic diamonds
It’s hard to convince yourself
that you don’t matter
it takes years, maybe decades
to build yourself a strong foundation of self-hatred
towering doubt and skyscrapers of insecurities
walls of criticism and ceilings of fear
and once you finish your castle of deprecation
you throw it to the sky
where it rests on the clouds and blends in with the blue
you lasso the sun and meld it into a chandelier
dazzling with diamonds and pearls and lies
and you take up a permanent residence
and you’re too afraid to leave the castle’s silver walls and rooms of gold
and your bed made of feathers
so high up in the sky
because maybe, just maybe
you will fall
so you stay holed up in your castle that you made just for you
where it’s safe
and something to cling to
to keep you from drowning in the seas of change below
and you think to yourself
“even if my life is falling to shambles
at least I will always have my castle.”
but sometimes
a lot of times
the castle you cling to will become
cramped.
too many thoughts crowd your space
until you can’t breathe and you can’t find a foothold
and soon
the seas of change will rise and flood in
and you begin to drown as it fills your lungs
after a while, the sea level lowers
and you retch up water until the water becomes red
and you look around your home
the ceiling drips and your furniture is molding
so you build it back up
“to its formal glory,” you tell yourself
but
as you grow older
and you become stronger
and all of the storms have passed
there comes a time when your castle begins to seem
dingy
and you realize the silver walls
are actually covered in rust
and your bed is nothing but bricks
your chandelier is full of spiders and rot
the floors are paved with soot
and you’re choking on dust
your castle of deprecation has always been in shambles
but the sun was always too bright to see it
cracks and leaks painted over with fool’s gold and plastic diamonds
but when night falls
you see the wreckage
and you see the things you were too blind to see before
so you tear down the silver walls and rooms of gold
you pull the chandelier to the floor
where it crashes with a brilliant shatter of sun beams
you light a match and throw it
burning the castle into smoldering embers
and the sky catches ablaze
and the clouds are in flames
it burns and burns and burns
until it’s nothing but dirt and ashes and smoke
choking the air around you
and you realize you’ve never breathed clearly until now
you will miss your castle, and the silver, gold, and chandelier
you’ll even miss the drowning and the water turning red
but slowly and surely
you build yourself a new home
it takes longer than the castle, and it will feel like centuries
you’ll get sore and bruised and maybe even bleed
blood and sweat and tears
your hands will become callused
and scars will begin to form
maybe even your hair will gray from the time passing
but finally, your home will stand
a modest house that’s not too modest
it’s not grand, and there’s no gold or diamonds
there is no chandelier, and no glittering pearls
and it’s right on the ground
but the walls are strong and the floor is sturdy
there are no cracks and the ceiling doesn’t leak
there are still some floods from the seas of change
but your head will forever stay above the water
because your foundation was built with care
a home built on love
a home built with love
you live there now
on the ground instead of on clouds
it’s set on a grassy knoll
and the sun shines bright right where it belongs
the sky is bluer than blue
and right in front
of your not-too humble abode
is a welcome mat
reading home sweet home.