Bluebird Pt. II

“I’m sure you’ll be a great father, Tsubasa…” Adrian whispered lovingly.

“I’m sure we’ll both be.” Tsubasa whispered back.

----

Two cans. Only two cans sat on the kitchen counter that day, balanced neatly next to the sink. It was less than usual, but the sight of them was still painful for Kade; to see them reminded him of just how deep the hole his best friend had fallen into was. They were more than just cans, more than just alcohol, more than just a way to cope.

“Oh! Is uncle Kade here today, too?” A voice echoed from the front door, just as it clicked closed.

Kade turned his attention away from the cans to the person at the door, giving a soft smile to her as she walked in. “Hey there, Carrot Cake.” He greeted with a wave, his smile warm and inviting, as it always was for her.

“Ah, and here i thought those silly nicknames would stop when i got into year eight of school!” The girl smiled, adjusting her glasses. He watched her as she dropped her bag next to him on the couch and proceeded to walk into the kitchen.

“Never!” Kade exclaimed with a grin, turning his head around to follow her as she walked. He suppressed a small sigh as he watched her clean and recycle the cans, moving like clockwork. He hated it. He hated how she was so used to it now, that her nose no longer wrinkled up at the smell that wafted from the cans, that she could chuck them in the specific bin without even looking at this point. “Sugar spice! Candy cane! Tae-Tae! Tae-Cool! Munchkin! Cinnamon sticks! Muffin top! Sweet pea! Pepe! Banana boat!”

“Taeru works just fine.” She cut him off as she walked back in, reaching into her bag to pull out her phone, and swiped to the texting screen for a second, the screen reflecting on her glasses enough for Kade to just make out a congratulatory text from Aaela.

“Awe, come on, you used to love being called Muffin top!” Kade said as he turned slightly to watch her over the back of the couch.

“Well, maybe that one can stay.” Taeru replied, eyes glued to her screen before she walked over to the bird cage on the other side of the room to feed the small birds that sat there. “Where’s Dad?”

“I was going to ask you the same.” Kade murmured as he adjusted his sleeves, scratchy fabric running along his skin. He stood, grabbing the bag of birdseed off the coffee table, and walked over to hand it to her. “Today is a big day, i would have expected him to be home when you got back.”

“I gave up expecting him years ago.” Taeru sighed, cupping her hands gently to fill them with birdseed, the ends of her lips relaxed downwards in an almost melancholy calm. She stuck her hand into the cage, watching as the three budgies fluttered down to eat from her hand, her eyes glued to their content forms. “I’ll be surprised if he even knows what today is.”

“Oh, i’m sure he knows. He’s probably just… getting groceries.” Kade reasoned, watching the birds with his own quiet nostalgia, face relaxed.

“Or getting more booze. He ran out last night.” Taeru told him, waiting for the birds to finish before she wiped her hands off and shut the cage door. Kade’s brow furrowed slightly, pressing wrinkles into his forehead as he watched her walk back to the couch, slumping down into it heavily. He remained standing, leaning over the back of the couch to talk to her. “I don’t really care where he went, anyways.”

“Taeru…” Kade began, but he looked up as the front door swung open again, knocking Taeru’s cleats into the wall. A wobbly man appeared at the door, carrying a few bags in his hand, one plastic and one paper. His hair hung in his eyes slightly as he stepped inside, matted down gently by melted snow.

Kade felt hopeful at the sight of Taeru’s father, although it sunk back into his chest upon seeing the bottle tops sticking out of the paper bag. More alcohol. The stronger stuff. The man reached his hand up, trembling fingers pushing the damp strands out of his blue eyes.

“Kade?” He questioned, seeming only slightly surprised by him being there, although, his presence had been more than common in the past years. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m helping a tired father carry his groceries in.” Kade replied, walking over and taking the man’s groceries before he even had a chance to argue. He noticed the eye roll from Taeru, but chose to ignore it, carrying the bags to the kitchen quietly. “You preparing for a wild party, Tsubasa?” He commented, reluctantly pushing the large bottles onto the shelf beside the fridge, keeping them wrapped in the bag. He didn’t want to see them.

“Sure, Kade… Sure.” Tsubasa sighed, shedding his coat onto the ottoman by the door. “ A party of one.” His reply was tired and sour, leaving Kade with a bad taste in his mouth. He turned to walk back over, hanging Tsubasa’s coat up for him.

“I didn’t see anything else in those bags, Grahm cracker. Nothing special in the car, or anything?” Kade questioned, glancing over with dwindling hope. He had to have remembered what day it was, it had been on the calendar for weeks. Kade had highlighted it with big red marker and everything.

“Special?” Tsubasa paused and gave Kade a look, a look only Kade knew so well. Anxious and questioning, a desperate hope that Tsubasa hadn’t forgotten something important. Then again, he almost always forgot the important things. “Wh… what do you mean, ‘special’?”

“Tsubasa…” Kade tried his best not to seem to disappointed, although the fall in Tsubasa’s face told him he wasn’t good at hiding it. “It was on the calendar…”

“The calendar? Th-There’s something on the calendar?” Tsubasa turned to speed-walk into the kitchen so he could check the calendar. Kade could visibly see Tsubasa’s heart sink when he landed on the date, eyes closing in guilt. “Fuck…” He breathed, voice shaking with an evident, ashamed tone.

“I told you he would forget!” Taeru called from the couch, keeping her eyes on the little game on her phone. She seemed far from surprised, sighing with light disappointment as Kade turned to give her an apologetic look. “He hasn’t looked at the calendar in weeks!”

Kade simply sighed and shook his head, putting a hand on his forehead. He knew Tsubasa always forgot these things, but a part of him always held some kind of hope for him pulling his shit together. His eyes traveled back over to Tsubasa, feeling a sting in his chest as Tsubasa sighed shakily and gave Taeru a pained little look.

“It’s not that important anyways. It’s not a big deal, i mean, only everyone i know remembered it. It’s not like even people i didn’t know came up to me to congratulate me.” Taeru continued, the sarcasm in her voice biting and hammering Tsubasa’s pain in even further.

“Y-You played your first soccer game today!” Tsubasa exclaimed, walking back into the living room. A small desperation tugged at his voice, as if he hoped he could quickly make up for it. “What happened? Did you win? How did it go?”

“We won. Although, you would have known that if you had been there to actually see. Parents were invited.” Taeru huffed, never turning her eyes away from her screen, and from where Kade was standing, he could see the indignant look in her eyes. “I gave you the invite last week, if you had even cared enough to read it.”

“Taeru…” Kade began to chide her, wanting to diffuse the situation before things got heated. They usually didn’t get more heated than this, but his anxiety in that moment filled him with worry. “He didn’t mean to forget, he was just busy…”

“Busy drowning away in booze no doubt. Fucking drunk.” Taeru grumbled quietly and Kade paused in surprise at her comment, glancing over at Tsubasa. His hands clenched up at the look on Tsubasa’s face, heart broken and distant.

“T-Taeru! I’m not a drunk!” Tsubasa argued weakly, staring over at her with wide eyes, pain spreading on his face.

“If you aren’t a drunk, then my name sure as hell isn’t Taeru.” She huffed back at him, glaring over in a quiet coldness that left Kade with an ache in his chest. He glanced downwards, praying things wouldn’t go much further. “If you aren’t a drunk, then my childhood memories of you wouldn’t be tainted with the scent of alcohol.”

Kade turned his gaze back over to her, conflicted on the situation at hand. He knew Taeru was right, but a part of him couldn’t help but feel some kind of sympathy for Tsubasa, one he would not voice. “Taeru… Listen…”

“No.” Taeru cut him off before he could finish, putting her game down. “I mean, sure, i’ll listen to how my alcoholic father totally isn’t a drunk and how i should totally be forgiving him for all the years of neglect, and, you know, all the years of forgetting the important things. I’ll totally listen to that garbage today.”

“Taeru, he’s been trying!” Kade tried to argue, staring over at her in surprise, feeling bad for the small family. He’d seen what Tsubasa could do on his good days, what he could do when he was just a little less hungover, or just a little less drunk. Unfortunately, he also knew that those days had been fewer and further in between as of recent.

“Oh, i’d like to see him try!” Taeru rolled her eyes, standing up from the couch in an aggressive manner. “You’re just covering for him because you don’t want to admit how bad he is!”

“Taeru! I really am trying! Y-You don’t know how much i do for you!” Tsubasa exclaimed, clenching up his fists slightly, a tidal wave of emotions crashing down on him as he stood there. Kade just watched in a quiet surprise, not having expected the day to turn out this way when he arrived.

“Taeru… T-Tsubasa… Guys, just, calm down...” Kade tried to calm them, holding his hands up and gesturing for them to sit. “We can talk things out-”

“What you do for me?” Taeru gave Tsubasa a disbelieving, annoyed look. “Oh, what things do you do for me? Do you take me to school and back? No. Do you show up to my soccer games? No. Do you keep the house clean and buy groceries? No! How about remember my birthday? Nope! Pay the landlord? Nuh-uh! I do! I do all that stuff! On my own! You’re just a drunk!”

“H-How… how dare you?” Tsubasa clenched up his fists, the pain evident on his face. Kade could already see the tears glistening in his eyes, wrinkles bunching up on his forehead. “Taeru, i do more for you than you think! I-i’m you father!”

“My Father?” Taeru’s fists clenched, glaring at him defiantly. “You’re not my father, you’re a fucking drunk! A sloppy fool who clings to a dead marriage and neglects his daughter! If Adrian could see you now, i’m sure he would leave you! You’re not my father, Uncle Kade is more of a father to me than you are, and he isn’t even blood!”

Kade froze, his eyes widening in shock at the ferocity of her words. He would have said something, but the look on Tsubasa’s face caught his words like lumps in his throat. He stared over at the other man, face broken and torn at the edges, eyes spilling over with pain and emotion. His fists clenched to the point where he drew blood, a little droplet trickling down his palm, gentle and calm compared to the storm crackling in the room. He flinched in surprise as Taeru suddenly bolted, her feet smacking against the wooden floor loudly as she stormed outside, not another word to be said.

“T-Tae-... Taeru!” Kade called after her, casting a pained, apologetic look back at Tsubasa before he dashed after her to the door. He felt the cold wind sting his skin as he stepped out, glancing around to see where Taeru had gone, his heart skipping beats in panic. He paused when he saw her, puffing warm, angry breaths into her hands while she sat in the back seat of his car.

Relief washed over him, but it was quickly replaced by worry for Tsubasa and he turned back inside. “Tsubasa…” He murmured, trying to keep his voice calm and he walked back over to his friend. He let out a shaky sigh, tensing at the defeated look of Tsubasa. His shoulders were slumped forwards, mouth cracked open slightly; whether it was to speak or gasp desperately for air, Kade wasn’t sure. Tears stained his already sickly and pale cheeks, the red from his nails adding some colour to his hands, which Kade quickly reached out and stopped.

“Tsubasa… listen to me,” Kade began, bending down just slightly so he could try and look into Tsubasa’s eyes. He managed to make eye contact, but Tsubasa’s eyes were distant and lost, not registering Kade’s gaze. He opened his mouth to speak again, but jumped in surprise when Tsubasa suddenly shoved him back and dashed away, eyes wild. “Tsubasa!” He called, watching as the other man stumbled out shoeless into the snow, and down the street. He slipped and crashed painfully into the snow before stumbling back up and running again.

Kade watched him run in a panic for a moment before he slid his shoes on and ran after him, slipping in the snow slightly as he moved, white clouds darting past his lips. His legs were longer than Tsubasa’s, and with all the alcohol poisoning his system, Tsubasa’s body was quite weak, so Kade caught up to him easily. He raced after him, fingers reaching out desperately before he grabbed his shoulder firmly. He pulled him back, turning him around in the snow and pulling him close.

Tsubasa let out a cracked cry of surprise and struggle, gripping his shirt and attempting to push him away. His arms bent and shook, and Kade felt him fall into his chest and break down, sobbing pitifully into his shirt. Kade sighed and stroked his back gently, staring down with a certain pain shining in his eyes. He let him cry for a moment before gently pulling him back towards the house, and leading him inside. He was wet and shivery, snow speckling his matted black hair. He sniffled and mumbled incomprehensible words as Kade gently guided him to his room, directing him to strip and slide under the covers. He pulled the blankets up to his chin, softly patting his shoulder.

“Rest.” He murmured gently, wiping away a few stray tears from his cheeks, before he moved to leave the room once more, door gently closing behind him. He reached up and ran his hands through his fluffy brown hair with a stressed sigh, thinking about what he could possibly say to Taeru.

He took in a breath, walking back to the still wide open door, cold air spilling in to cool the heat of room. He stepped outside, staring through the back window of his car at the small teenager, who crossed her arms indignantly where she sat. The cold hadn’t cooled the heat of her rage, it seemed.

With long, stalling strides, Kade trudged through the snow to the black car, glistening with recently melted flakes. He opened the door, sliding in next to Taeru, and sat down next to her in silence. He glanced over, mulling over different openers to what he wanted to tell her.

She squirmed next to him, her anger subsiding with the slowing snowfall, slowly replaced with a melancholy as great as the silence that filled the car. Her blue eyes rimmed with tears that she dared not let fall. She was stronger than that; or maybe her refusal made her weaker. Kade couldn’t tell which.

“I hate it too, you know.” He began, words slow, and honest. “I hate the cans. I hate the smell. I hate the predictability… I hate the struggle.” He could see her body heave with an inaudible sigh, crossing her arms over her stomach as if she felt sick. “You may not be able to see it, how hard he tries to stop. He really tries. I’ve seen him on his good days; you’ve seen him on his good days. Those days when he brings home some cookies from the store, or sits and watches a movie with you. Those days when he listens to your stories with open ears, or he takes you down to the ice cream place down the block. Those days he tries.”

Taeru sat quietly as Kade spoke, arms still crossed with a certain stubbornness. Her eyes remained pointed downwards at her soggy shoes, wet from quickly melted snow. Her gaze lingered, caught up in thoughts and memories long forgotten and pushed aside. Kade let her sit, as patient and calm as he ever was.

Outside, wind rattled the car doors, bold and sharp as it smacked snow against the windows. It left things eerie and tense as Kade waited for Taeru to speak, his own words teetering on baited breath. Taeru did not speak, not a word. All there was for a few unending minutes was the white noise of the wind.

Finally, Taeru opened her mouth to speak, words hesitant and pulled, as if she was still formulating thoughts as she spoke.

“I-... I just want him back…” She whispered, voice cracking just slightly at the end of her sentence. She held her arms tighter against her stomach, slipping in a shaky breath to calm herself. No tears would fall, even if it sounded like they would; Kade knew that. Taeru was stubborn, prideful and thick-skinned. Not even this could draw her tears out, and for a moment, Kade was almost thankful.

“We all do…” Kade began softly, looking out at the flurry of snow on the other side of the window. “I wish for that every time I time i see him… with every trip to the hospital, with every bag of liquor,” He sighed lightly, a small pain in his voice as he remembered how his friend used to be.

“He used to be so alive,” Taeru murmured, her body relaxing into the long worn out car seat, seeming to be calm now. “Not just when I was a kid. I… I know that. He wasn’t great when I was a kid… i was naive. Foolish. Protected from the reality of how bad he was, even back then.”

Kade watched as she turned to stare back out at the old house, once bright and alive with colour, but now as bland as dirty concrete. The broken daycare sign, the weeks old trash bags, the boarded up windows; Kade couldn’t remember the last time he saw Tsubasa’s daycare open.

“I’ve seen the albums… Aunt Aaela showed them to me. When she was showing me Adrian…” Taeru continued softly. The sadness in her voice was mellow, dulled to time and age. “They were so in love, uncle Kade. They were so bright… so happy… I’ve never seen dad that happy in my life, not like he was with Adrian.”

“He loved that man more than anything in the world. They were like a couple in a movie; i could never believe it myself.”

Taeru nodded slowly, closing her eyes. “I can almost imagine it… Dad smells like cologne, not alcohol, a smile as wide as the sky on his face as he laughs with his husband. The house is light, filled with laughter and childish giggles. They hold each other close, sharing butterfly kisses and dancing to no music. The perfect happy couple…”

A nostalgic look crossed Kade’s face, thinking back to the time when Taeru’s fathers were actually happy. It felt like a dream, it had been so long.

“That’s exactly how it was…”

“Now it’s like we have a damn grave in the middle of our house,” Taeru muttered, a slightly harsh tone to her voice “But… but I still love him. He’s still my father! I just want to live with him! I want us to be happy! I want him to be happy!” She exclaimed, face scrunching up in frustration, pushing wrinkles into her forehead. “Happy with me…”

Kade gave her a sad look, reaching a tentative hand out to touch her shoulder. He hoped he’d be of some sort of comfort, even when they were drowning in tension. Her shoulders slackened and she leaned into his touch, body shaking with emotions.

“Listen, Taeru… your father… he’s hurting. He’s hurting so damn much. I can’t imagine what he’s going through with this, with you, with Adrian…” Kade began, voice steady and soft. “He just needs to heal, to come to terms with what happened - with what’s already happening. But he can’t do it alone, not this time.”

“But he has you! Isn’t… can’t that be enough?” Taeru asked desperately, turning to Kade with sad eyes. “How can he change- how can he be any better when even you can’t heal him? You’re his best friend! You’ve known him for years!”

“I am helping, Taeru, I am.” Kade’s eyes were sad and quiet, staring into her blue eyes with his own icy ones. “I’m keeping him afloat... I’m keeping him alive. But Taeru, I can’t heal him on my own. I’m not his family, i’m not as special as Adrian… but you- you are. He needs you.”

“What can I do? I don’t know how to help him! It’s so much- it’s too much!” Taeru exclaimed, seeming slightly overwhelmed by her cocktail of emotions. “I don’t know where to start!”

“You’re not alone, Taeru… i’m here, i’ll help you. We’ll both help him.”

“B-but…”

“You’re a teenager… so new to the world, so bright. You won’t always know what to do, what to say, but you’ll learn. You can help him; you can heal him. He’ll change, he’ll go back to the better. For you. Because he loves you.”

Taeru stared at Kade, eyes wide and wet, searching for any kind of hesitation in his gaze - any lies. She took in one more deep breath, wrapping her arms around herself again as the cold of the car finally got to her. “I can help him… i can… I will help him.” She whispered, thought more to herself, as if it was her mantra. “I’m not alone… i’m never alone.”

Kade smiled encouragingly, rubbing her shoulder softly. “That’s my Muffin Top.” He whispered, moving to get out of the car with her. He wrapped his jacket around her shoulders as they trudged back into the house, thankful for it’s warmth and silence. It was calm, and gentle, like the rainbow after a storm. Kade knew it was still an uphill battle from here on, but for that moment, he felt positive.

He watched as Taeru stopped in front of her father’s door, hesitant and deep in thought. Kade joined her at her side, eyes filled with support and comfort. “I’ll be right here with you…”

Taeru nodded slowly, inhaling deeply, and stepped into the room with confidence.

“Dad... can we talk?,”

And the door shut behind her.