In the grey matter

I had my out of body seizure for the first in quite some time. It's like everything swarms around and nothing makes sense and I can't communicate what I am or am not FEELING. My words get weird and don't make sense. My cognitive ability descends. I can't speak. I can't feel. I don't understand who or where I am. I think I've committed something I can't comprehend and everyone is staring at me waiting for an answer.

I sat down and took some bites trying to convince myself "I've got this." It's exhausting. 30 hours later my mind is still trying to rewire. It's like my brain just goes through and erases EVERYTHING. Memory, knowledge, comprehension. The hardest part? Emotion. It erases my own acknowledgment towards myself. I lose confidence. I lose a believing I will win. I lose positive curiosity. Yet I cannot feel a post traumatic stress the others would. I feel I've died. Again. And I'm most scared of having to restart. Rebuild. Again. And again.

Into what?

I don't know.