The Mustard Man

"Aaaah!" screams a distressed citizen of Wienerville one warm Spring afternoon on the plaza. "Aaah! Someone save me! Ketchup Man put ketchup on my hot dog when I didn't want ketchup on my hot dog!"

"Have no fear!" The victim and all of the other citizens in the area turn there heads to the heroic voice that came out of the blue. "It is I, Mustard Man!"

Mustard Man steps out past a crowd of Wienerville denizens and stands defiantly against the evil that so often plagues Wienerville, the dastardly deeds of Ketchup Man! Mustard Man is seen sporting his custom mustard yellow spandex supersuit, his cape, the greenish yellow color of dried mustard, flapping alongside the American flag atop the roof of the hot dog vendor close-by.

Mustard Man turns to the poor young woman with the defiled hot dog. "Where did Ketchup Man go, miss?"

"He went thataway, Mister Mustard Man sir!" replies the damsel pointing past the statue of Wienerville's sports mascot William Wiener standing at the center of the plaza, whose right pointer finger points always up to the heavens.

"I will deal with him!" says the Mustard Man. "But first..." He smacks the blasphemous hot dog out of the woman's hand, reaches into his back pocket for some cash, and buys the woman a new hot dog in a bun from the vendor, handing it to her. Mustard Man then whips his hands out in front of him, aiming for the woman's hot dog in her hands, and booms, "Behold! I can squirt ungodly amounts of mustard out of my hands!" And ungodly amounts of mustard squirts out of his hands, engulfing the hot dog and the woman with the delectable condiment.

"Gee, thanks Mustard Man!" chirps the woman, and Mustard Man gives her his traditional quick salute and bow before running toward the direction Ketchup Man fled from his crime.

After a minute of searching, Mustard Man finds Ketchup Man harassing a boy and his hot dog in a back alley.

"Stop right there, Catsup Man!" says Mustard Man, his clenched fists at his hips.

"Curses!" Ketchup Man shrieks. "You know full well my name is Ketchup Man, Mustard Man!" Ketchup Man shoots ketchup at Mustard Man, pushing the boy and his hot dog out of the way, but Mustard Man dodges, rolling to the side and countering Ketchup Man's attack with his own volley of mustard. Ketchup Man ducks under the torrent of yellow and performs a kneeling tornado spin, squirting ketchup in a wide vortex, but Mustard Man jumps over the radial wave of red, somersaulting and then unleashing a double-handed powerbeam of mustard with a righteous roar.

The alley in which Mustard Man and Ketchup Man were having their duel soon becomes utterly caked with mustard and ketchup. The sound of their mortal conflict thundering throughout Wienerville, a girl of six years of age in a distant house off in the suburbs of the city asks her mother what that frightening noise is, hugging her mother's leg for comfort.

"Why," says the mother as she washes the dishes in the kitchen, "that is the sound of two gods of opposing ideals battling it out in our fragile mortal realm. It is Mustard Man and Ma- Ketchup Man."

"Why must they always fight?" asks the girl, nuzzling the mother's leg.

"They must fight because it is the only way the conflict between the forces of good and evil can come to a resolution. Good and evil cannot coexist without friction, and so Mustard Man and Ketchup Man must battle until only one remains standing... or until both succumb to mutual destruction."

"Can't they both just get along? Ketchup Man isn't all evil, is he?"

"No, I don't think Ketchup Man is all evil, but because he represents the force of evil and therefore the force that is in the way of good spreading throughout the whole world, Ketchup Man may have to die to make way for good, if Mustard Man wins the fight. It doesn't matter if he has some good in him. He chose his path of ketchupy evil. But if there is a way for Mustard Man and Ketchup Man to make peace, it will be up to Mustard Man to somehow appeal to that small piece of good within Ketchup Man, and maybe, just maybe, we'll see a future where mustard and ketchup can coexist on a hot dog."

"I hope Mustard Man can make Ketchup Man good again," says the girl, nuzzling her mother's leg again.

"I hope so too, Katy... I hope so too..." sighs the mother, looking off into the distance through the window, tears welling up in her eyes.

Mustard Man and Ketchup Man are standing opposite each other, gasping in exhaustion, mustard and ketchup filling the alley up to the middle of their shins.

"This can only... end one way,... Ketchup Man!" says Mustard Man between gasps. They had been fighting for approximately ten minutes, and having only ceased fire just a moment ago, the two adversaries just notice a splashing noise in the corner of the alley that has been going on for a while. They both look over to find the boy Ketchup Man had been harassing earlier thrashing frantically in the lake of yellow and red. He is drowning!

Without hesitation, Mustard Man swan dives into the ten-inch-deep pool of mustard and ketchup. He grabs the boy and swims to the surface just before he runs out of air, heaving the boy onto the dry top of a dumpster.

"Wait, where is your hot dog?" asks the drenched Mustard Man with deep concern. The boy holds up the hot dog triumphantly. "Oh, thank God."

As he carries the boy out of the alley, Mustard Man looks back at Ketchup Man, wondering why he hasn't been trying to attack him while he has been saving the child and his hot dog.

Once the boy ran off out of sight, the hero quickly spins around and squirts a surprise ball of mustard from his palm. Caught off guard, Ketchup Man gets hit in the crotch by the attack, collapsing into the lake of condiments with a groan. It is a fatal blow.

Mustard Man hurries over to Ketchup Man's side. "Gah!" cries Ketchup Man in pain, coughing up red. "Agh, it's all... tingly."

"I know, buddy," murmurs Mustard Man. "Just take it easy." He holds Ketchup Man in his arms. They're both deep in mustard and ketchup.

Police sirens are heard approaching the scene.

"Why?" pleaded Mustard Man. "Why ketchup?"

Dusk has crept over Wienerville, filling the alley in growing darkness. The police approach. Streetlights throughout the city blink on. An evening wind howls.

"I just..." breathes Ketchup Man, "really like... ketchup..." His head slumps, but his eyes stay open. Mustard Man closes the eyelids.

"Me too, Matthew. Me too."