THOROUGHLY MODERN ME

All you have to do is pretend to look smart, pretend you fit the part, pretend you’re into pretentious jazz. And all you have to say is that you read The Great Gatsby and that you don’t much care for cinematic adaptions, but you suppose that, if you absolutely had to choose, you would take Redford over DiCaprio any day.

When you go out, always order salad because carbohydrates are the enemy. Drink coffee because you’re a serious person. You are legit, authentic, the real deal. You are a pseudointellectual with an inbuilt calorie calculator. You are worthy of the kale in your breakfast smoothie and the praise of your peers: repeat this mantra over and over when you’re stuck in traffic to avoid getting stuck IRL.

Wear sunglasses indoors. Show people you don’t care what they think. Besides, it’s cool to pretend that you are constantly hungover. It’s cool to pretend that you’re cool without trying. You are James Dean reincarnated. You don’t smoke because cancer is real – more so than you – but you vape because certain accessories are too fucking picture perfect to pass up and mastering the art of living life like you’re at a never-ending photo shoot is a must.

All you have to do is blow vanilla scented smoke into the night air because it gives you the perfect excuse to pout. Because you have to be “on” at all times. Because the truth is less interesting than a scripted documentary and you should be anything but boring. Because sugar gives you diabetes, but Splenda keeps you thin. It is artifice, after all, that makes you sweet and honey-you can draw them all in like honey bees, because you read all the dos and don’ts in a curated lifestyle blogazine.

You can be you without substance and yet have a commanding presence. You can be that seemingly obnoxious white painting hanging in a gallery. Minimalism sells for millions and you aren’t giving all your secrets away. 

All you have to do is stay basic to raise the right number of eyebrows. There will always be more to you than meets the eye. You are nuanced and subtle and a construct. You’re a reflective surface that casts no shadow. 

Or, at the very least, that’s what you tell yourself.