For Suzanne: A Eulogy

Until the awful day comes when you lose a parent, they seem invincible. You see them hurt and get hurt all of your life, but they always manage to beat the odds; To continue living and smiling and yelling at you to "stop annoying your brothers!"

Until, one day- They don't.

One day, you're sitting at home asking yourself, "When was the last time I called her?" And the next, you're woken up at 9:32 in the morning to the news that will have you on your hands and knees, begging for something to just bring her back.

And you know in your heart that it's no ones fault, but you want to blame everyone and everything. You feel sick to your stomach all the time because you had so much left to talk to her about; So many memories to share with her.

Moving into your dorm room, her meeting your first boyfriend (and disliking him), graduating college with a bachelors in something probably computer related but you haven't quite decided, moving into your first apartment that she suddenly wants to move next door to, her meeting your boyfriend that will eventually become your husband (and disliking him too).

Planning your wedding.

Letting her hold your first child.

Getting onto her for spoiling them, to which her excuse would be, "but that's what grandmas do."

But you have to stop. Remember, this isn't about you. You've got to pull it together and keep going because she was always proud of you and there's no way in hell you're going to let her down now.

So, you stop. You pull it all together like a piece of paper torn to shreds gets taped back together- It's not quite right, but it'll do.

You do it because she would have wanted you to. Because despite all of the times you two fought, she loved you.

God, you loved her too. Still do. Won't ever stop loving her.

And sometimes, you wonder if she knew that (she did).

You have to start taking the memories that make you cry, like when you got sick and she'd drop whatever she was doing to baby you on her bed, bringing you sprite and a fan, singing to you. Even when it was senior year of high school and you should have been able to take care of yourself. You have to make those memories into happy ones. Something to smile about, laugh, and maybe even get a bit embarrassed.

Because she wouldn't have wanted you to cry; She wouldn't have wanted to see you give up at such an important time in your life.

So you pull it together- a taped up piece of paper still getting the job done.

You do it for her.