Rantings of an unsettled mind

I've been struggling the past few weeks with many internal issues. With my sense of self (or lack thereof), of purpose, fulfillment, accomplishment, and even matters of my own satiety with life. Or the fact that I feel that I have failed in some fundamental way myself and those that I care for. Does that mean I have? Not necessarily; I am merely acknowledging that these emotions exist. I wish that I could pinpoint the cause of my frustration and dissonance. The only reason I’ve come up with is that I haven’t been writing as much as I did in the last month or so.

I have purposely not done so, because there is such a morose tone to most of my postings. And I don’t want to be “that girl”, the one who rarely has anything uplifting, humorous, or generally worthwhile to contribute to society. The depressing, negative woman who feels that life is futile and we are all here merely to inhabit space until we die.

Writing is my release, my way of letting loose those frightening emotions so they don’t become reality within my own mind. And I fear that because I have used my writings as my crutch, my solace, that I have distanced myself from the ability to deal with the real-world thoughts and feelings that I have, to the point where I worry that I am not able to process them in the way a well-adjusted person might.

The isolation I feel is both self-imposed and enforced. I don’t attempt earnestly to be around others anymore. It is too great of an effort. I have such little tolerance for those that do nothing more than gossip about what the neighbors are doing, how selfish so-and-so is, and what someone had the audacity to wear to church. I’m always reminded of the saying, “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people.” But then, I find myself being a hypocrite, and the cycle of anger and frustration begins yet again. Even using words the way I do appears to me as though I’m trying to put up a front, to make myself appear more knowledgeable than I am, when I’m truly struggling to find the right words to express myself beyond the usual “sad”, “broken”, “frustrated”, etc.

So how to break this circle? I have no solution other than to return to what I was doing before I entered this morass of unexplainable, intolerable sensations that wash over me like turbulent waves upon the beaten shoreline, pulling back more than they deposit every time. So, please allow me this indulgence and forgive anything I may put out there that is displeasing. And if you cannot, then I apologize for nothing other than the fact that you chose to read what I’ve shared, because I can’t bear more responsibility than I have already placed on myself.