Life Lessons of a Broken Girl to Her Almost Grown Son

9/30/17

Dear Mom,

It didn’t hit me until I actually went to the homecoming game that I’m if not gonna have a senior year. It made me sad, I literally teared up when they were talking about how everyone in class of 2018 was so excited to be graduating, and all the fun stuff they are doing. It was the homecoming game tonight. I’ll never have that, I’ll never have a prom, I’ll never have anything a kid is supposed to have, and this is supposed to be a teen's most fun year. I’m really starting to question whether moving away was the right decision or not.

10/1/2017

My Precious Boy,

I've been thinking of you and how unfair this whole situation is all day. And bawling my eyes out feeling so much guilt; that if I had made different choices, you and I wouldn't be in the situation we are in today.

And that is true. We wouldn't be.

I'm sorry for that, but no amount of sorry and nothing that I say or do can UNDO the past.

The thing about choices is that good or bad - you've got to live with the outcome of those choices. You can learn from the past and try to be different, try to be better and make better choices in the future.

The good thing about bad choices is that once you've lived through them, you have the opportunity to be changed for the better. You can use what you learn thru these experiences to BE better - maybe it'll help you remember to think before reacting, maybe it'll teach you to be appreciative to your loved ones, maybe it'll give you an new understanding or an empathetic heart that sees others in turmoil and just wants to help.

When you refused to write those essays and send them to me when you first arrived... I told you then that I wasn't going to pay your fine, it would be useless to do so when you weren't going to complete the other portions of your sentence. I told you then that failure to deal with that would make returning to California tricky, to say the least.

So.... even if you were well behaved and able to avoid the cops in this too-small town where they literally know you on sight... what do you think would happen when you went to school?

First, they'd ask where you've been for the last 3 months. Then they'd call Officer FatFace, because you've literally been a truant since the middle of August. At that point, I honestly don't know what would happen.

She'd call your dad, the high school has it in their files that nothing of yours is to be released to me. Ever.

I have no clue what your dad would do at that point, it's fair to say he is a wildcard that we can't predict his reaction. Best case scenario - she'd release you to your dad, who would be publicly thrilled at your return, simply to gloat about you being taken from me and given to him for the third time. Of course, in private, you'd have to live with him... and face his discipline, as well as the legal consequences of your court charges. Worst case scenario is that they'd take you downtown immediately and toss you in juvenile lock up. I know you think I'm paranoid, but please remember how many times my paranoia ends up being entirely too accurate.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, son, and one of the hardest lessons I've learned is that Life doesn't rewind, we can never go back to the way things used to be. We make choices in life that are irreversible - and even if you go back to the same spot, with the same people - it's never, ever the same again. It can't be!

When people make hard choices or go through tough times - it changes them inside. When those people try to go back to what is familiar, they feel out of place, like they no longer fit into their old lives at all. Kid, even if you had no legal issues in California, coming home would only be good for a week or so, tops.

Because imagine how disconcerting it will be, coming home where we lived and have so many memories.... to see new things, to see B in your room, to see M and me and E and literally everyone and everything you've ever known - to see how smoothly life has carried on without you. You are partially disgusted at the lack of progress out of your loved ones while simultaneously insulted at their failure to recognize your progress. It's unsettling, leaves you feeling off balance and out of place, to say the least. It's a desperately lonely feeling that leaves you bitter, resentful, and ready to bolt yet again. There's an old saying by Thomas Wolfe, something about how boys grow up and leave home as children, but can't ever return home again. Like, a kid leaves his mother's home as a boy, but venturing into the world on his own helps him grow into a man. And maybe it's 6 months or a year or 5 years, but when he returns to his mother's home, he isn't the same smart mouth kid who left, but a grown man who just doesn't quite fit into that particular slice of the world quite the way he used to. It's true, and I am certain that going backwards isn't your path at all, kid, you've gotta move forward.

The most important thing I can say to you is no one has shared my heartbeat the way you did, and our bond is unbreakable. That means I know you better than anyone in the world, and I know you're tough enough to get through this.

There will be hard days that you don't want to get out of bed, where you just feel bitter and mean, and like you've been cheated out of a life you could've had. You've got to move on past those days, son, don't give in to them and don't let pity parties become a habit. It's okay, it's normal and it's expected to feel sad and angry at times. But in order to be happy again, dwelling on the past or what could've been will do nothing except keep you frozen and miserable. The best thing, the only thing you can do is to focus your mind on where you're going, not on where you been. Where do you want to be in a month, in a year, in 5 years? Think of that, then think of what needs to happen to get there. And then do that.

You were smart and courageous enough to save yourself and change your life. I know it's hard, and I know that your own self doubt is eating you alive. Don't let it.

You are amazing and beautiful and I'm so proud to be your mom, it's the best thing I've ever been or could ever hope to be. And it's because I love you that this hurts so badly, but I truly do believe that coming home is 100% the wrong choice for your life. I'm sorry. Coming home would be giving up, and I'm not gonna let you quit just yet. You're a badass, you're my son, how could you not be? I know it, and I can't wait for the world to know what I do.

I believe in you and I love you to the moon, kid, forever.

Always,

Mom