Marley
.
She sits down and starts to talk. Letting everything out, all her joys and the sadness. It takes a lot time before she’s done but the words seem to bring her relief. So she continues. Telling him about things that have been stuck in her insides, rotting for years. Thoughts and problems that she has been struggling with for so long.
And as she says all that’s been needed to be said, he sits there beside her. Staring at her calmly and holding her hand. He knows how hard this is for her, so he doesn’t interrupt. He sits there silently, almost not moving. Just nodding from time to time, and trying to understand. There is no judgement in his eyes, no anger.
Regrets are set aside, bad memories put away somewhere in the cardboard boxes, that will leave this home with him. Everything that stood between them, is now tucked away. Replaced by assurance, that they are doing the right thing. Finally on the right path, in a place where they were heading for some time now. A place where they should have been ages ago. But there was always something stopping them. The comfort of being together for such a long period of time, the safety of a steady relationship. A safe haven of sorts, that made them stay. Because the alternative of being by themselves, frightened both of them. Not for the same reason, but still it was enough to stay.
Even if it didn’t work out between them like it used to. Even though it was all falling apart and they were heading for the rails, big time. They still held on to each other. In need of balance, of a strong base to stand on, when everything else was crashing fast. They had issues beyond fixing, things that couldn’t beat, no matter what. Both damaged in different ways, but damaged still.
She held a grudge against him, for a big loss, that fitted in her hands and yet the size of that loss was so enormous that it made her soul darker, heavier, polluted. It was hard to look at the man she loved and think what she had to sacrifice because of him. It was something that constantly stood between them, what lay in their bed, colder then the sheets covering their body’s on a winters day.
She often stared at him and felt nothing, literally nothing. She would look at him, while he worked on his computer, or when he read the newspaper and wonder. Tilling her head to the side and just staring. As if he wasn’t the person she had once fallen for, but a strange specimen of man. A an odd bug under the microscope. She just couldn’t understand what happened to them. What happened to her feelings and the love that seemed to outstretched its limits. But still she stayed.
Because leaving him , would mean leaving some of the feeling she couldn’t let go off. Not yet. She didn’t want to forget about her loss, latching onto it. Afraid she might lose it in a completely different way and that upset her. The possibility she might forget about her little treasure. As if it had never existed. As if it was never there. All of her hopes, all of the expectations. Dreams and future plans, plans that will never happen now... and still. It was so hard to let go. So she would stay, not for him or for the forgiveness that she wanted to give him so many times... even when it felt like there was nothing left in her to give.
And now, as she looks at him there is no more anger in her, just peaceful words, that come out in a long stream. Never stopping, never ending. She speaks, her voice already horse and he listens. Knowing that every one of those words are needed. That this is good for her. It’s Therapeutic. It lets her relax, let go of her pain. He squeezes her hand tighter and she gives a small smile. Relief and tiredness in her taking equal space. He takes a deep breath, almost chocking on a relief of his own and decides to say something before he changes his mind.
I have always loved that smile, Marley.
She stares at him almost surprised to hear his voice. There have been so many words from her and almost none from him. But that’s okay. He understand what she had to do here. What was needed to be said. She squeezes his hand back and the corners of her mouth lift slightly again. Something inside her that feels almost good. A strange spark that fills her up. Proving that there still was some life in her. A fire that she so needed.
It feels odd... as if I’m not doing it right.
He gives her a pained look. Sad that he was the reason for this. Sorry that they had to go through so much before understanding how wrong it was, and what it had done to them. He takes a deep breath and lets her know with his eyes that it’s all going to be alright. They are going to be fine.
Just remember the sensation and repeat every day...
She nods once and continuous. Words flowing once again. So much has been said already and yet it still wasn’t enough. He stares at her smooth face and listens calmly, thinking and counting her freckles. He always loved those, it was such a beautiful imperfection. His eyes shift slightly down to her hair, as the light shines through the window. He looks at them and wonders what their little girls hair would have been. Would they be fair and straight like hers, or would it be brown and messy just like his. He wonders at this and thinks once again about the small thing that made him stay in this relationship that was falling apart.
Silly, meaningless things. A joint account, the furniture they had bought together... paying of a student loan and the stack of CD’s filled with music they both liked... and some of the bigger stuff, like mutual friends and memories made in the time that they were together... they were happy once, they loved each other... and then his mind turns to their families. How his mum, stayed with them at the worst time and his dad build a swing in the back yard... He wraps his fingers tightly against hers and she nods again. Understanding. His pain, that of her own.
Just a little longer Sam...
He nods as well, and lets go of her hand, a bit scared that he might eventually brake it... all those emotions filling the room, too intense for either of them. He sits back against the couch and looks at his hands placed on his knees. He listens while she talks about their past and smiles as she hopes for the future. Separate, but hopefully a happy one. Minutes pass, turning slowly into hours. The sun setting quietly against the darkening sky. And when it disappears and the room gets darker, it finally all comes to an end. And when she says all, that there is to say and explains all, that there was to explain, and there is nothing else to say, she finally can allow herself to breathe. They both can.
They smile at each other and get put, bodies tired, limbs stiffed but minds at peace.
He pulls his arm around her and she falls into him. Allowing herself to remember him for the man that he was, and remembering the girl that once couldn’t live without him. A different girl, in a different time. She smiles again, knowing now that she was still there, somewhere deep inside.
A girl that could change the world with a boy that made her smile.
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