To Give In

Eleven years, that’s the extent of which I’ve given my life to this, to the pursuit of what I can only call satisfaction. At the end of the road, it won’t be joy or fulfillment, simply put it will be the end. Yet with the path I’m forging, not for myself but for the praise of those around me, I have eight grueling years of much harder work remaining. Henceforth, I hereby surrender the the easy road of my eductation. Yet there exists a struggle within me, have I not worked just as hard to make it this far? Yes, I have and I have worked so hard that the young boy who once anxiously ran toward the bus stop and fantasized about curing cancer or explorering Mars is now has late work piled up from his AP courses yet still lacks any motivation to complete it. Instead he listens to sad music and stare blankly at the ceiling only to wake up having once again done none of his work and slowly walks to the bus stop, his mind clouded with thoughts about how his grades will suffer and how he will possibly survive the upcoming day. There does exist a small fraction of motivation in the support of my family and my grandmother who brags about my perfect scores to her friends,yet this motivation falls short as the walls of their expectations build up around me as “the first one in the family who going to go Ivy League” and “ our future doctor.” I really truly don’t want to disappoint them but no matter how hard I’ve tried the work I put in never seems to match the grades I get out of it and it’s so horribly destructive to my self-esteem the I’ve reached my limit. I know someone reading this reading this is probably thinking about how to did more and survived and I honestly applaud you, and I used to go above and beyond as well and a 95 would be a low grade for more. However, the work continues to flow in and I drown in the papers and stress. There are students who I’m smarter than or I can compete with who are excelling above me somehow finding the means to float in the abyss of projects and quizzes. I don’t blame them though, it’s not their fault that I simply can compete with the waves of textbooks barreling towards me. So I sink to the bottom and surrender, building a shell and assuring myself I’ll be fine in the end as long as I help others because I no longer serve a purpose in helping myself