I’m Living

I'm living a life that's not entirely my own,

I make decisions that I can't control,

I see the world flashing past,

And I feel myself lagging behind,

But I can't catch up,

And apparently no one can hear my screams,

My mind and I are battling

In a constant war where no one gets the upper hand,

And often enough my heart joins in,

And I'm falling apart.

I'm living a life that's not completely my own,

I talk to people I'd rather not,

I kiss men I wish I didn't,

I fall in love with others

That I know are meant only

To break my heart and tear my soul,

But even when I meet a man

I know will treat me right,

Still I choose the bad boy,

And I'm falling apart.

I'm living a life that's not at all my own,

I try too hard to please people I don't like,

My smiles are more often fake than they are real,

I've mastered the art of the false laugh,

I know better than anyone

How to say, "I'm fine" when I'm obviously not,

I know only to cry in the shower

Where no one will know

And the water washes away the evidence

And I'm falling apart.

I'm not living a life,

My mind has gone blank,

And my heart has stopped working

And all I know,

All I know

Is that the pain is good,

The pain helps,

And no one will ever notice,

I don't want them to know,

I've fallen apart.

I'm not living a life on my own,

I have someone who checks for marks,

And another who's always there to talk,

The voices in my head are growing quiet,

And my heart is slowly being mended,

I've started to smile for real,

And express genuine emotion,

I'm learning that it's okay that I'm not fine

And sometimes it's good to cry,

And I'm putting myself back together.