Sheer fear, my dear.
Fear. Chest heaving. Heart throbbing. Palms sweating. Stomach flipped. Mind racing.
A necessity for life, but the possibilities of what sets it off are limitless. Each person’s fears more unique than the next. There are commonalities with everyone’s fears, sure, but we are each different in our own permutation of fears. I may fear X, Y, and Z while you fear X, Q, and Z. Yes, we can relate, but to what extent? My fear of Z is increased by my worry surrounding Y. Each combination of fears is unique, just as every combination of personality traits, experiences, dreams.
While many may be scared of things like sharks, bears and guns, most of us are more afraid of things like death, not finding love, or failure. Snakes and motor vehicle accidents are frightening, no doubt. They can kill you, and this is an accepted fact. People talk about this often, and there are even books, movies and articles on these subjects, and on what to do to survive the situation. People do talk about their other, less tangible fears. But this is less common, and less accepted. It usually occurs in the most intimate of settings, or occassionally, with strangers when someone has had too much to drink. For many though, it seems like these deep, complex and invisible fears are truly more terrifying. The fear of failure, of not being good enough, of dying alone, of ruining a work project or a relationship.
We accept human differences, at least to an extent. Fear, though. It’s something we want to understand and something we hope will be understood. Culturally, there are different fears and we are not always so understanding of another’s fears. Sometimes, an understanding of our fears, or having our own validated, can be life altering. Even life saving.
Our inability to connect or ever fully understand another is jarring, heartbreaking, painful and isolating. Many of us fear being alone, so this isolation is frightening in itself. It’s this vicious cycle that no one can break. Opening your heart and disclosing your innermost fears to someone can be such a breath of fresh air, and the person may even join you and relate to you. You may strengthen your connection over this, but odds are that you left something out. You still feel mildly isolated and now slightly uncomfortable. Your thoughts and fears still wreck havoc, dancing loudly on your cortex.
You start to think about your fears a lot, no reason in particular, but now you have become a “worry-wart”. You worry about deadlines, about the future, about others and about inconsequential things, but you can’t shake the worry. You’re hooked on this fear, and its hooks are on you. Your slight discomfort has now become an exhausting feature. You never feel truly comfortable, and now you’re constantly shifting, hoping this shift will put your thoughts back at rest.
Your most abstract of fears trickle down into your life. Your work, your play. All compromised. You feel utterly on edge. Look down, you’re actually on the edge of your seat. Your foot is tapping. Hoping to God that the motion of your foot attracts the racing thoughts. Moves them far away from your brain, out of your line of sight. Anything to end your speculations. Shut it off, quiet it down. Brain constantly working, so in reality nothing is working. Overdrive, overwhelmed. All the time.
No sleep, half dead, wide awake.
Eye twitching, stomach turning. Your mind is somehow numb and hyperaware simultaneously. Your comprehension is succumbing to nothing, but with the slightest noise you jump sky high. Your roommate walks out of their room, and you noticably flinch. Someone says something behind you, you whip around. Something falls, you gasp. Your reactions are uncontrollable, but you stopped processing days ago. Mind still racing, becoming more and more abstract and hyperbolic. There doesn’t seem to be any slowing down.
Sounds are muffled. Vision blurry. Did you eat today? Did you keep it down? What projects were you supposed to get done today? You swear each and every one of your thoughts has a mallet on your brain’s lobes. Hammering them down and smushing them into nothing. Your brain feels completely vacant and yet there is still so much noise. Your breath is out of control. Lie in bed. All night, hyperventillating. You feel insane. You cannot stop these ideas, these notions. Each more absurd than the last. How did you get here? Where are you?
Fear. Chest heaving. Heart throbbing. Palms sweating. Mind racing. Mind blank. Mind twirling. Mind unsteady. Stomach clenched. You’re frustrated. All the time. Upset over how your thoughts are working these days. Fearful of only yourself it seems. The fear itself is truly what you’re fearing, what you’re dreading. A sense of apprehension is driving your body. Your blood is thick with anxiety, and you are now streamlining fear throughout. Your legs work slower. Your arms feel heavier. Your stomach is empty but never hungry. You haven’t slept in weeks. Your thoughts won’t let you. They continue to dance around your head. Now, they are only partially formed. You can’t think of anything worse. Your thoughts still behave like Olympic sprinters, yet your processing is at an all time low. Your productivity nonexistant. Days drag on. Your brain is using up all the energy you have. Total lethargy.
Your thoughts are eating you alive. You day dream without really day dreaming. You just stare of into space. For minutes, for hours. Your roommates hand waves in front of you. No reaction. It’s all you can do at this point. Sit, lie and stare at whatever is in front of you. You are so afraid of your own mind. Your thoughts still weave around your gyri and sulci.
Gasping for air. Eyes swollen. Dry mouth. With your body moving slower than ever, your brain only feels even faster. The self hate pours in, and self esteem drips out. You are lower than low. Completely drained. You know how foolish most of your fears are, but this only makes it worse.
Fear. Heart pittering. Palms cracked. Mind desolate. Stomach hollow. Dark thoughts left dancing.