Murderer

I feel their blood running over my cold, bare hands. It feels alive although the person it belonged to is anything but. It is as though it is dancing around. Daring me to do something. I want to scream, cry, run.

It is weird becoming the thing you had always been most afraid of. Part of me- the part that is the old me- wants to turn myself in, get what I think I deserve but the other part- the new part- wants to do it again. I felt such a rush, such a relief when I knew the heart had finally given up the fight and stopped.

It is midnight and the moon is brighter than I had ever seen it. It lit up the body and the thin smile that is beginning to form on my lips. I have done it. I didn’t backed out. If I were able to tell anyone else, anyone who really knew me, I think they might congratulate me. I have done it. I have beaten myself.

There is no immense guilt, no weight that suddenly dropped on my shoulders the moment the blade touched the back of my first kill. In fact, I feel wonderful. Their last breaths were ragged, desperate and I nearly laughed but caught myself. I am not crazy. Only crazy people laugh after they kill someone and I am not crazy. There have been many perfectly sane people who have been murderers and now, I am joining the club.

Murderer. I like the way it feels coming out of my mouth, like it has always wanted to slip out but never quite could. It feels like power, like accomplishment. Like strength. Why, you may ask, did I kill someone? Why had I, a young man with “such promise” seemingly thrown my life away? Anger. Anger can do anything when played with, poked enough in just the right way and now, now I am free of the anger and ready to continue on with my life.

I am ready to become the new part of me fully. Murderer. People who frustrate me in the worst possible form of the word, I am not afraid of them anymore. I can now just laugh at them with that calm laugh that people give when they know something you don’t.

Power can do much to a man and I am ready to exploit it, to use my newfound gift to its fullest. I smile again, a cruel smile that showed all my teeth, a smile a kid may have when told they were getting the newest, coolest video game but my eyes, they told it all.