Angry

Anger... why am I filled with so much anger? I blame love. The best way for me to describe what love is that it's like the new guy everyone else thinks is cool and great. If you ask me though, I would mumble "it's okay" and it would take a lot of energy from me just to get that out. I guess, with that said, I have befriended loneliness. I rather hang out alone than with love. Without getting into too much detail (it's a whole other story) love is an acquaintance of mine. The fact that we know each other and it never comes around makes me even more angry. There are beasts in this world that know love better than I do. To think that wild animals, mean ones that kill anything that come their way know love better than me. That tells me something about what I am. I'm a monster. Maybe I'm worse. I'm a monster that hides under other monster's beds. As I watch my brother with his family, and my parents with their grandchildren it hurts. It hurts that I won't ever be able to give them that joy. It hurts that I won't ever be able to feel that joy. I'll never feel that special father-child bond that even the beasts get to experience and enjoy. It makes me sad. When I get sad I don't show it. It just turns into anger. I feel like anger is my only emotion. I feel other emotions but then they all revert to anger. When people pass by and rhetorically ask "how are you?" I am the guy that actually responds and a says "I'm good. How are you?" I know I'm not good. Maybe that's why I'm so quick to answer the rhetorical question. I immediately go into defensive mode. Am I that good at hiding my emotions that nobody notices or they don't care? I guess I can blame them. Who would want to be around a mean angry person? Nobody. I'm so tired of being angry that it makes me angry.