Coping

Everything is bad.

No, I won't smile. No, I won't, "Cheer up, Dollface."

I hate everyone and everything going on around me. My hair is too long, my fingernails are uneven. This sweater is itchy, and my shoes don't match. The construction workers cat-calling me from the corner make my skin crawl more than my sweater, and I don't know for sure where I'm going to sleep tonight.

An optimist might say it can only go up from here, or that I'm lucky to have another day.

I say, I'm about to bathe in a public sink and wear the same clothes I've been wearing all week. I'm an unapologetic realist; and I live perpetually in the moment because I can't stand the idea of making false promises to myself of better days ahead.

Hate takes up most of my days now. Every day, I wake up hating the rooster that crows at exactly 6:11A.M. Then, At 7:00, I hate the bicyclists that ride by and wave like they know me, like I'm their friendly neighborhood bum. Around 8:00, I take my sink bath; which I hate. Then, my day continues with various other things I hate - like listening to crying babies on the bus, or smelling someone in passing who smells worse than I do.

At the end of the day, I usually curl up back in my corner by the dumpster and hate the pitiful looks I get from strangers who notice me. Sometimes - when I'm lucky - someone will even bring me food I hate, like beef jerky, or a can of bean soup. (Beggars CAN be choosers, and I refuse to compromise my personal preferences due to my lack of readily available options. In an ideal world, I'd live in a nice apartment and eat fresh pot roast for dinner every night. I hate that I can't.)

I love to hate everything. Hate is the center of my daily routine. Sure, I'm grouchy, but it gets me through the day.

I suppose hate is just the way I cope with life right now, and I feel like that's ok.