No News is Good News

My five year old eyes would well up, swell up and then dry up every summer when my father would send me back home. He had a new family that demanded first place, and he could only afford one. I'd be sent back home to Mom, who had a new boyfriend who demanded her thrown. She too could only afford one master chair.

My fiften year old eyes held tears for no one, most certainly not myself. I knew then like I know now that I am unloveable. Mediocre in every respect, even on my best days.

So today, when you stand in front of me for what might be the twentieth time, to change your mind from "I love you so much" to "I don't think I love you at all" - I smile. There's no blade sharp enough for my heart anymore, because I've loved you so fully with every ounce of my body that I've crumbled away into tiny untouchable pieces.

I know you don't believe me, but I'll say it all over again. "It's okay baby, I know it's confusing. I know we are young, and you aren't ready. I get that. But I love you, and it's really the only thing I know how to do well. It's the only thing I've ever been good at. So I'll continue loving you, wherever you need to go." I let go of your hand slowly, and move my own hands up to your face. I just want to cradle your cheeks another time, and give you another last kiss. "Whoever you are interested in this time, better be really sweet to you." I say outloud. Wishing you the best as I always have.

"She seems really great... But I still want to grow old with you." Those deep brown eyes of yours told me this with every goodbye, and tied my feet in place every time. You'd be back, and I'd be waiting. We both knew it. And just like every other time, when you come back it'll be because someone hurt you and your heart will ache for my softness. I'll reach out and you'll look right into my centre and say again "I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you".

Don't worry though, I won't believe you. I think, for me, it's easier to accept that you'd never love me than it is to accept that you ever could. Not just because this is our recurring meet up, but because it's what I know best. There's always so many people around to love, and only so much love to give - so I have learned to keep none for myself.

Instead, I forever put myself in a warm rain, standing alone; loving you so deeply that you'll return and we'll do this like groundhog day. My heart is not mine, it is yours. And I'll crumble with or without you.