Moments Between Spring and Summer (Excerpt)

Dear Jessica,

I remember when we first had our first exchange of words. You were a friend of an enemy of mine. You stood straight and stiff, mouth sewn shut, you refused to speak more than a few words. Over time, a bond began to form; not between you and I. Not at first, at least. Allesandra became our goddess, but in my mind, you stole the attention my deity once offered me in exchange for my time. I began to resent you, your presence, your silence. My time was no longer favoured when it was compared to yours. It wasn’t until we were surrounded by literature when we really spoke to each other. You didn’t even like reading, but you put aside that dislike when you found a story that I had also read. During that single hour we were there together, isolated in that corner behind the bookshelves, we bonded. We spoke and for the first time, I heard your whispers for more than seconds at a time.

If I had the chance, I would turn back time to repair that precious friendship we broke. Parts of you, our memories, are too deep in my mind now to uncover. I do not remember how exactly the tight-knit bond we formed broke. I do not remember a fight nor argument. I do remember however, words being exchanged less and less, while we both began to fight for our goddess’ attention again. Cleared from my blindness, I tried to warn you of my goddess’ wrath and anger. You promised me many times over, that you would never fall for her sweet yet deceiving smile. But alas, you fell for her sickly charms, and traded my sanity and our friendship in for her attention.

I suppose everything does happen for a reason, because I never saw the worst of you. I never saw the extent of the loyalty that you had grown for your goddess. Your goddess, because she was no longer my goddess. I held onto you for as long as I could; until you flung me down and helped your goddess trap me in the pits of hell. You left me, and hurried along with Allesandra.

But I couldn't hold what happened to me against you, not after you uttered the word 'sorry'. That was because you apologized, many times over. We began to talk once more a year later, like an elastic band, I bounced right back to you and Allesandra. You know me, I never learn until I break; because if I break, I’ll never be able to come back. And I broke indeed.

We began to commit shameful and wicked deeds behind your goddess’ back. I began to laugh and mock Allesandra’s oblivion. You became my best companion over time, I began to trust you too much, deeming you as nothing but trustworthy. Can’t you see why it hurts so much? I defended your honour up until the very last moment before I realized you were not trustworthy at all. That’s because you had betrayed me, and I didn’t even know until I heard from another's mouth. Was that why you wouldn’t look me in the eye when I thanked you? Was that why you refused to utter a single word to me in front of the goddess I thought you had abandoned? You vile creature. I broke because of your betrayal. Tears that should have ran down my face many years ago, ran down my face when you confronted me.

You confronted me because you learned that I had grown bitter and angry at you. You asked me why, and I answered. I answered and you sent me a list of accusations in return. It was the final stab to the heart I let you deliver.

I accused you of things you’d done to me, you accused me of being emotionless, selfish, and non-empathetic. I attacked you for the times you’d wronged me, you attacked me for my traits. Tell me, Jessica, how do you know I never lay in bed wondering what I would’ve done in your position? How do you know I never tried to get past the things Allesandra had done to me years ago? You took the words I expressed out of vulnerability and threw them back in my face at the very first tinge of uncertainty you felt of me. Even at the darkest thoughts I had of you, never once did I think of betraying your trust. Only because I knew how precious trust is, and how unrepairable it could be once it had been broken. We promised to never tell our secrets to other people. I kept my end of the deal and you didn’t. Simple as that.

You do not have the right to accuse me of being non-empathetic when you never once asked me of how I felt, lest I had expressed it to you first. You do not get to preach to me about trust, when you yourself are a traitor. You promised to make hell more bearable for me for the years to come, but you only made it worse. But it is only because of you that I learned hell was always only a decision I made. I chose to stay in the dark place I was in, my mind told me I had no choice in staying or not. It was all a trap, because although the road from hell to earth wasn’t easy, I made it. It got worse before it got better, but it was all worth it.

My walk with you had been long and at times hard. At last, we must part ways not as friends, but not as enemies either. Let us part ways as strangers. If it’s much to late to turn back time, then I wish to pretend as if the relationship we had, had never existed. We’d be better off this way. Let us leave our hatred behind us, and let me treat you like I would to a newcomer.

Kristen