Broken Mirrors

We all lose something. A friendship, a lover, a parent, trust, a will to carry on. But sometimes when we lose something, we gain something. Now, this isn't some vague letter to the things I know I lost. This is what I feel and if they ever got the chance to read it they'd know it's about them.

For the friend,I'm sorry. For everything. Going months on without talking to you, having an actual converstaion with you, laughing and fucking around with each other, all the tussles I knew I always won. I'm sorry for closing and completely closing you off from my life. Sorry for making you feel like shit and knowing I made you feel that way. Sometimes I would make the excuse that it's what you deserved. You changed, you aren't the same as I knew you back then. Too different for me to handle. At first, I thought I was able to handle it, but as the hours turned into days, the thought of dealing with it led to anxiety and disgust. After about what, 3,4 months of not actually ever hanging with you or talking to I think I can take it now. But knowing me, I can change up in about .5 seconds. But in those months, I found my faith know you don't believe in that "crap" but with no one else I turned there and found a calling. Cringe all you want, you changed so so can I. You probably think I hate you, but I don't. You were, are, my best friend. We shared so much so I can't throw that away. You saved me multiple times from alot. Myself, my dad, "friends", the world. I learned a lot about forgiveness and acceptance but it will take a while before I can apply that into my life. But I'm still here, I still care. I think I always will. So if you ever need to talk or just sit in silence with the others presence like the good old times, that's okay. We can do that. That's what I'm here for. I love you.

For the Lover, Fuck you. From the moment you spoke to me I knew you were trouble. I didn't care becuase you tried to become my friend when no one else would. Your smile and light hearted jokes lit my dark skies. Snapchatting until 2,3 AM with you were some of the best memories I will always carry in my heart. When I cried, you were there, a warm embrace that shrouded me from the rest of the world. But, after our secret was out you took me out of the equation. I was heart broken. I lost my first best friend, in the time you were supposed to stay by my side you left. We're now Juniors and it's still wierd but I miss you. I miss your friendship, the fact someone actually cared for me when I first got here makes my heart happy. I found closure and I hope you'll be able to forget about the past and come back to me.

For the parent, you were required to love me. Protecting me should've been a maternal instinct, apparently it wasn't. But not only did you break me, you broke my older sister, the girl who understood me the most, who defended me in the midst of arguements and unpalpable situations. You broke her emotionally. You got her sent away, away from her life, from me. I can't see her or ever be able to hug her again. She's gone, in a faraway land, atop a dragon guarded tower. Other than the us two, the other 5 children you have hate you as well. You despise our happiness, our success in life. You want us to be like you. Not all of us want to be an alchoholic or a druggie being sent to prison until we're about 28 and then date and marry people to become gold diggers. But I hope you found your gold at the end of the rainbow, maybe you can buy yourself a chance that we'll actually listen to your bullshit excuse again.

To the things that have changed, Oh my god where do I start? I think I'll start at myself, beacause as of now, you only put one person in front of yourself, and that's your faith. The fact you were able to find something other than another best friend to subconciously rub in their face you went to faith. Faith had answers, a wisdom hidden in plain sight. It gave you a chance to live, to begin again. Faith brought friends. Those friends adore you. Don't ever let them ago, they are young fledglings but they will grow into fiery sparrows in the skies one day. The friends you met changed you. You are strong, analytical, goofy, and empathetic and more caring then ever. Opening up to these people was surprisingly easy, which must mean they'll take you somewhere special in life, a land of glory that wasn't known of beforehand. Let them lead you to greatness, you are stronger with them.

The clock reads 23:52 but I'm wide awake, I have a lot to say but will wait until the time is right to explain in detail. For now, fall asleep knowing you are loved, you were told multiple times today. Smile knowing that you'll wake up and these little fledglings will teach you to soar their skies like they do, Spinning, singing, flapping, but most of all, living.