Dear Esteemed Applicant

We regret to inform you that not only is the waiting list too long, but you are simply unqualified, for the valuable position of holding a soul. You understand that souls are far too hard to come across these days, and despite your pleads of what you used to love, we will not return yours. Souls are currency in this world, and people born with one do not deserve it where others lack it. I apologize that you will not longer enjoy such productive activities as dancing in the rain, or sitting on a chair with warm chamomile tea. I apologize that you will no longer enjoy having your girlfriend's shoulder to lean on when you need her. Do not fret! You will still be able to partake in all activities. However, until your resume improves, you will not be granted enjoyment. Please look upon our resources for what we value in a candidate, such as 'coping skills', 'optimistic outlooks', and 'a gigundous amount of money'.

Respectfully yours.