dear lover, i’m sorry.

dear lover,

i've never been the best at starting things like this, so i guess i'll start with the simplest way to say what i want to say; i'm sorry.

i am sorry that the world was not kind to me before you were in my life and because of that i grew an exterior so hard that even a drill has trouble penetrating it. i never told you this, but you cracked the surface like no one else has before. i think that's why this hurts so much.

i am sorry for all the times my voice raised higher than the sound of our laughter and i felt immediate regret when i saw the look in your eyes. i might mention that i'm also sorry it took me almost twenty minutes to apologize each time because the shame was so great i couldn't get my voice to work. i should have kept calm and been patient with you because that's all you ever were with me.

i am sorry for every time i called you an idiot, joking or not. you aren't an idiot. not at all. you are intelligent, so much so that you could see what was for the best when i could see nothing was wrong at all. if anything, i'm kind of an idiot sometimes.

i am sorry for every time i made a joke that i didn't realize might have hurt your feelings, especially the ones about your tastes in music and the things you enjoy. since you left, your 3 artists are all i can seem to listen to. if music is going to remind me of you, it might as well be YOUR music. to be fair, they're not as bad as i thought. most of the songs anyways.

i am sorry for any time that i made you feel like you had to choose between me and someone else. i would never make you choose. you can have me and anyone else that you'd like, as long as you can spare a few moments of your time for me each day. i never asked for all of it. i don't want all of it. i want you to have a life too, because i would never give up all of my time for anyone- not even you.

i am sorry for the sense of humour i have that made your loved ones dislike me. you see, i get nervous around new people- it comes with the anxiety- and because i get nervous, i automatically drift to humour as a defense mechanism. i often forget not everyone has the same warped sense that i do. i know you are not my possession. i never claimed or thought you were. it's unfortunate my illness affected their opinions so greatly.

i am sorry for the times i left your side to sleep on the couch. had i known our time would be so short, i would have sucked up the restlessness and pressed myself so tightly into your chest that it wouldn't have mattered that the bed was a little too small for both of us. i would have been by your side, and that's all that matters. i'm sorry for creating that distance between us, however small.

i am sorry that i am ill. i am working my best to get over it, and i hope that you can see that someday. i hope that one day instead of waking up and being shown out of the house that i wake up and get reminded to take my medicine in that low morning voice of yours that i love. i promise you i'm going to beat this. for me and for you both.

and lover, most of all, i am sorry for your loss. when you stepped away you took parts of me with you that i will never get back. even when we reuinite down the road, the pieces of me that you held onto will not fit back into their original places just right. i will still smile at you brighter than the sun is able to shine and i will still fill the nighttime with genuine laughter as we dance in the moonlight, but i may hesitate to tell you i trust you when you ask me at first. i may shy away from your touch not because someone else hurt me once upon a time, but because i am unsure if the gentleness in your hands is because you love me or because you want to let me down easy. so be patient with me. i'm sure with time it will be just as it was, but the right way this time.

dear lover, i know that this page is just a scratch on the surface of all the things i could and should apologize for, but it is a start. as time goes on, i'm sure more of these will find their way to you. i hope that you take them to heart. after all, that's why i write. if i put my heart on a page, the thoughts can't keep me up at night. would you believe me if i told you i haven't written like this in nearly three years? you don't know this, but you kind of saved me. for the first time in a long time i have clear skies and a full heart, thanks to you.

dear lover, leaving me to fly on my own for now was a good choice. i'm sorry it hurts so much, and i'm sorry that in my pain i hurt you too. please don't give up on our story just yet. i want to meet you on the other side of this, fall into your arms, and kiss these apologies into your lips. i'll see you again this summer.

love,

gabe.