nightmares

you said you left because i was sick, so i've been taking my medicine to get better. when they handed me the bottles, my doctor warned me that one of them is known to cause vivid nightmares.

the word nightmare is subjective. my nightmares aren't full of horrible monsters and your "typical" fears like the dark, falling, drowning. my nightmares mirror reality.

now i don't dream a lot. i never have really. i only dream when i have strong feelings on something and they buzz in my mind before bed. imagine bees, but their sting only hurts your mind and not your body.

my first nightmare in years was you stepping away. the night after i dreamed it, it happened. i slept next to you as i had that one. that was pre-medicine, driven by pure fear. justifiably. i remember crying into your chest before bed that day, my nails digging into your back to keep me grounded as i whispered to you, 'hold me close and kiss me, just in case you decide you don't want me around anymore tomorrow.' i told you i would ask once and only once. i had so much to say, but all i could get out was "please stay" before the tears took over and i cried myself to sleep in the safety of your arms. you cried with me. i didn't understand why until i woke up.

turns out, you did decide that you didn't want me around that next day.

my second nightmare, the first one post-medicine, was you distancing yourself. making your exit. through my own eyes as a ghost of who i was to you, i watched you leave in real time- platform after platform of social media saw your name disappear. you left groups we were in, our few friends we had together voicing concern. you deleted all the pictures on your phone that we took together, which is quite a lot. you wrote me out of your life as i sat helplessly, unable to wake myself up and tell myself it was only a nightmare.

but when i woke up in cold sweat, i realized it wasn't a nightmare. it was reality. the group chat is one short- you- and explaining it to our friends hurts. i asked them to care for you in my absence. i said that you'll come around one day.

at least that's what i'm telling myself. i'm telling myself that this reality of mine is a nightmare that i'll wake up from one day. that one day we'll have new pictures together to replace all the ones you may have deleted, that our friends will be OUR friends again, and the next time i cry myself to sleep in your arms it won't be because my instincts are telling me "he's going to leave me tomorrow" but because your arms are my safety from the vivid nightmares the medicine that helps keep me well brings.