dear lover, you are the hardest habit to break.
dear lover,
i’m starting to find that the hardest part of this break is leaving you alone. it’s going to sound like such a ~millennial~ thing to say, but not being able to tag you in things i see that remind me of you is taking all of my self control.
i see you in lots of things. that’s the real problem. in the sweet posts people make about loved ones. in obscure humour i know you would love if you saw. in the music i discover that sounds like you. damn near everything.
my fingers have gotten into the habit of typing your name without thinking. i get to ‘pres’ a lot of times before the un-typed ‘ton’ hits me like it sounds- like a ton of bricks. 2000 pounds of force slam into my rib cage and shatter it when i realize i can’t do that anymore.
they say it takes 14 days to break habits and i keep starting over on day one every day. talking to you every morning was like, the highlight of my morning. i woke up early every day when i had that to look forward to, but now the time keeps getting later. i’ve fallen from 7:30 to 8:30 on the good days, 9 on the bad.
and the nights. the nights are even worse. i know what time you’re doing what because i memorized every last detail of you that i could. around 10:45 pm i feel the excitement bubble in my chest that you’re about to be home and wish me goodnight before you wind down and go to sleep. now it’s just anxiety and an aching reminder it’ll be a long time before that happens again.
fridays suck now. friday was my favourite day of the week because it usually meant spending the evening with you and falling asleep in your arms. fridays were for relaxing at home with you, curled up on the couch watching who knows what or doing what we were really good at- each other. what always happened though was us falling asleep in each others arms, you kissing me goodnight three times as always.
saturday mornings are a little rough too. you let me pick the saturday clothes and i always did my best to match your shirt and tie perfectly. the fact i no longer have to lift your tie up to count 3 buttons down to place your tie clip in the saturday morning sun while you smile down at me makes my fingers itch. i miss the morning coffee with your mom too. and the yoga. and just her positive, bubbly energy in general. i hate that she doesn’t like me anymore.
it’s been 12 days since i haven't been able to do any of those habits, so i’m sure by next friday, my body will have adjusted to the late mornings and even later nights and i will no longer be awake early enough to miss your presence while i’m awake.
dear lover, i promise i am trying my best to leave you alone, but it is so hard to stop myself from sharing the world with someone who is such a big part of mine. one day i will make it a full 24 hours without asking you a question or commenting on something you’ve posted. i promise. one day you will get the silence from me that you want and i’m sure that will make you happy. i’ll try my best to do it, because i never want to make you unhappy.
i will send my fingers to boot camp so they will untrain themselves from the habit of typing your name and deleting it, typing your name and deleting it, typing your name and deleting it, typing your name...you get it. at least for now.
one day i hope my fingers will be able to share the world with you again while we are apart. i hope they will be able to give you the back scratches you love and the attention to your beard that you adore. they will run through your hair and stop at your nape and give your neck the slightest of squeezes as our lips meet.
when that happens, i will have to retrain my lips to mold themselves against yours perfectly. i hope you are ready for the practice, because baby, we’ll need lots of it. after all, it can take almost 2 months to form a habit.
i love you,
gabe