when people find out that you have depression

when people find out that you have depression, it is often the only thing people seem to notice about you from that point on.

instead of noticing the fact that you have a real smile on your face for the first time all day, they notice that you /haven’t/ been smiling.

instead of them being filled with pride that you spoke up for yourself today, which is often an impossible feat, they brush your opinions and worries aside, effectively silencing all future times you would have used your voice.

when people find out that you have depression, their first question is often ‘what is it like?’ followed by ‘what do i need to know?’

both of those questions are damn near impossible to answer.

my depression is not some disease that you need to be hyper-aware of so you don’t catch it. it is not contagious and i do not need to be handled with extra care just because i am sick. because of my depression, i have made the house my soul lives in out of stone and steel, not glass. i am by no means weak and do not need to be treated as such.

so what is it like? it’s like going through life just as you already do, only there’s a bomb lodged into your brain and you have no idea when or if it’s going to explode.

living with depression means that a lot of times, i can’t find it in me to do what i need to do. sure, i know that i haven’t done laundry in almost two weeks and that i need to go grocery shopping so i can eat tomorrow, but that bomb’s tick has been awfully loud lately and it’s got me so worried that if i move too fast or take on too much it’ll explode.

when people find out that you have depression, they will most likely fail to see the battle you are raging every day. yes, i love to read, but you haven’t ever seen me read a book. it takes all my effort to focus on your text because that bomb in my head has already blown up my ability to enjoy the things i KNOW i enjoy- how do you expect me to sit through 50,000 words if i fight to read 15?

in addition to being a bomb, depression is also kind of like a leech. in fact, it is a leech. a really fucking big one. it attaches onto the things you love, the things you want, and it drains everything you have out of them so they’re not longer enjoyable. a lot of times that’s not enough for the monster and it has to move onto greater things like your motivation to get out of bed and your ability to function on the worst days.

depression doesn’t just suck, it puts negative things into you in return. your past love of learning and life is replaced by overwhelming desires for things to be over and to burn every one of your hundreds of dollar textbooks in hopes that you’ll be able to feel some kind of warmth because god knows the last time you felt anything but cold and dreary.

when people find out you have depression, you have to take every negative thought they don’t dare say out loud and turn it into energy. they will think you are lazy, unreliable, irresponsible, etc, etc. you are none of those things. you are fighting the greatest battle anyone could ever fight- themselves- 24/7, 365 days a year and you are /winning./ if you were any of those things, you would have given up the fight a long time ago.

when people find out you have depression, they stick you into a box. when you decide you want to break out of the box, you start proving them wrong.