Elevated Humour

Okay, I'm in an elevator along with three surly bikers, the elevator suddenly grinds to a halt mid floor. Over the intercom we're informed that help is on the way. Here goes.

Biker 1: Fuck you lookin' at gimp?

Me : Hookay, it's cool, I just have a fear of heights, sorry I meant no offence.

Biker 1: Fuckin' eyeball me man, I'll fuck you up good.

Biker 2 (eager to egg on his pal): Don't take no shit Duke.

Me (nervous): It's alright I promise my gaze just wandered.

Biker 1 (Steps toward me and adopts an aggressive pose): You call me fuckin' gay spook?

Biker 2 (Enjoying my predicament): Take him out Duke!

Biker 3 (Sweating and stinking of beer): You know who we are dick?

Me (Trying desperately to squeeze an atom of bravado from nowhere) Hey guys let me buy you a beer..

My attempt at pouring oil on troubled waters ends abruptly as Biker 1 sneers and grips my throat.

Biker 1 (Snarling and spitting in my face): You call me a fuckin' queer gimp?

Me (sweating): No (gasp), not even a little I just...offered you all a a beer that's all, here look, I have money, take it".

I desperately flash my wallet as panic takes over.

Biker 3 (Spits a huge dollop of phlegm at my face, which hits my nose with a sickly squidge): Fuckin' gonad's got bread man, lemme see that (rips wallet from my hand).

Me : Oh shit!

Biker 1 (distracted): How much Bubba?

Biker 3 (smiles showing yellow teeth): Enough Duke. Let's split.

With a sharp judder, the elevator continues its descent and comes to a halt at the next lower floor.

The bikers head off leaving me shaking fitfully in a growing pool of urine.

Me: Oh that was pleasant.