Not Knowing

Is this how it’s supposed to feel?

Nine months after breaking up,

And still you’re the only person who can calm me with a smile and a joke.

We talk, every single day, you know more about me than any other person, and without you I feel adrift.

Logically, I know, it was for the best.

Hell, I thought of ending it all myself.

So tell me why, then, I’m laying here in bed, wrapped up in thoughts of you and missing your skin pressed to mine. Why, do I miss you more than anything, and why am I not doing a damn thing about it?

We have very different ideas about what the future should look like. I see myself travelling the world, creating films, and saving animals when I can. Loving someone more than myself, planning a fall wedding, having kids and teaching them to surf and respect the world as I pick sunflowers from my garden before dinner. I want freedom, I want love, and I want peace.

You want to advance in your career, and have no desire to stay in a long term relationship any time soon. You don’t believe in marriage, and kids are possibly your biggest deal breaker. You want to be angry with yourself, and the world, and at me when I try to show you how much I care.

On paper we are absolutely terrible for each other. So why, can’t I stop loving you?

I won’t compromise on my vision.

And neither will you.

I don’t know if we’ll ever meet in the middle, or if those short 9 months together was all we’ll ever have. I don’t know how, after seeing other people, after sharing someone else’s bed, finding someone who wants what I do, I don’t know how I’m not over you. I did what I was supposed to do, it’s worked every time before.

But here I am, writing about you, once again caught in the throes, of not knowing.