Sometimes

Sometimes I want to hide away from the world, in a room, by the ocean, on top of a mountain. Sometimes, I just want to hide. The pressure I feel everyday from the people I love most. I try my hardest to support them, help them cope with their problems the best I am capable of, and make things easier if possible. When it comes to the burdens I bear, it feels like no one sees me. My worries and stresses aren’t taken seriously, because I don’t have real life problems. I’m just expected to accept how I feel, accept when something is done to me that is not right. I’m made to feel like it’s all my fault, every little thing that I’m upset about, it’s my fault, my problem, I’m the fucking crazy one. I should feel lucky to be treated so well, have everything so easy and have all of my worries taken care of by someone else. Or so I’m told, or more so what is consistently drilled into my head. I feel unimportant, like I am just such a burden to my loved ones. This isn’t one of those Times where it’s just a feeling that’s gotten too deep in my head. This is how I am made to feel every moment of the day. I ask for too much, I stress other people out with my stress is what I am told when I am mid panic attack. Financial struggles have been a large part of my life, and occasionally I receive help with rent from my family member. I always thank this person more times than I can count and try to show my appreciation the best I know how. I have given up all the things I enjoyed, coffee, makeup, I don’t think i have bought a new pair of pants in 4 years and have made a point to avoid hair cuts and try to do them myself because I simply cannot afford it. With my anxiety and depression also comes my inability to work in a public setting, I have a small source of income so when it comes down to it, I need some help to survive. Sometimes I express that I miss those things, that I wish I had the money to buy some mascara or get a hair cut so I don’t look like I just crawled out of the trash, and I just receive negativity in return. I’m not asking for these things, and that’s what they don’t understand. I’m not asking for these items, it’s just something that I miss being able to do. I just wish I wasn’t made to feel ungrateful and selfish all of the time. I really don’t see myself that way. I love to bake so I often bake extras and bring them to my mother or grandmother, or a friend just to be nice, or i will make a lot of homemade gifts and then the person who I gave them to, gives them away to someone else. I try my best with what I know. To try to be a good person, to try to make others happy and never feel the way I do. I always try to be grateful and show my appreciation but it never feels like enough. I tell someone I can’t talk on the phone because I am trying to pick up food at the store and can’t focus with all the noise and I get yelled at and made to feel like I am the worst human to ever exist. Sometimes I express that I am in physical pain, which I am most days. I have consistent migraines everyday and my back has been in agonizing pain for two and half years. I never say anything, I never complain but the one time I say anything about having a rough day with pain management, I get the response of “yea, join the club” or a really long sigh and annoyed look following a “yep, me too, don’t hear me complaining” I never complain and it’s really frustrating to have no one to express these things to. To always be shut down no matter what I say or do. I come up with a new idea, or something I’d love to do when I can, I get scoffed at or just totally ignored. I just want someone to listen to me and actually try to understand what I feel, someone who actually wants to listen to what is going on inside my head. I am always met with negativity or someone being rude to me or being made to feel like I am just completely annoying them and then when I get sad or angry that I am not being heard or listened to, I get demonized, told it’s my fault. I’m being the asshole, I’m trying to start a fight, I’m selfish, I always have an attitude, I treat people poorly. I don’t understand that if I am such a horrible person, how everything can look so different from my side. I feel like I am expected to be a robot, do as I’m told, behave, cook, clean, wait on hand and foot, be ignored and constantly insulted and then never feel or show any kind of negative emotion. I just don’t understand why I can’t see that I am such a terrible person because apparently everyone around me can see it. I try my hardest to be perfect, because I feel like that’s whats expected of me. I’m tired, just so very tired.