It Could Never Be

I look across the dock as I feel the breeze tug on my dark hair. I love summer. A group of students are walking away from the water, some are unzipping their lifejackets. This is my only job and probably will always be. I turn back to my boss. He is busy working with some other instructors. Since the summer is almost over and the season almost finished I feel out of place. My first day in one of their last. I keep taking peeks at the group of students, still making their way towards the street. This was when I first laid eyes on her.

She walked near the back of the group as if she did not completely trust them. Her eyes were focused on her surroundings, seemingly taking in everything. She was everything I wanted. Timid, but confident enough to not be picked on or forced to do anything she does not want to do. I try to keep my eyes off her, but it is so hard. I ask myself, What is your problem? Do you not realize how much younger she is? I shake my head and turn back to my work as she disappears. Gosh I need a drink.

I forgot about her until the following summer. I had gone through many short affairs, trying to find someone to settle down with. Too bad nobody told me that clubs and bars were not a good place to find someone to spend your life with. I saw her a bit during spring sailing. The girl had the habit of leaving her hair down until the last minute. I tried to stay away, work in the warehouse instead. My goal was to learn how to mask and control my emotions be the summer season.

I heard that she was going to become an instructor-in-training. A title for those too young to be teaching and being paid, but know too much to be students. Of course she would become one, even before the designated age. This is good for her, but it means I will see her more often. Why do I have interest in someone I could never have. I cannot help to wonder if she might accept me. I mean I am nice-looking and unique. Many people like me for my personality and I know there is not one person who is the same as me. Too bad that is true for everyone. I wonder if she is seeing someone. I do not think so, she seems too sad. She smiles less than most people do and her eyes hold very strong emotions. God I hope she has not noticed me observing her.

Summer came quickly and I am proud of how fast I have learned to control my emotions. I know I am 22 but I still feel younger, maybe 18? I have known my boss for a long time and think this will be my career. I did go to college, but I dropped out. It was a waste of my money. College is overrated, well at least it is for me.

Most of the time I come into work around lunch time and work late. Therefore I do not see her as much, since she is usually assigned to a boat or the safety boat. I usually just go wherever they need me to go. I did get my chances though. She is not perfect, but I believe she is as close as a human can get.

The day I realized she might feel something for me was the day she chose to be on my boat. Well she was originally assigned to my boat, but was requested by another instructor. He asked her if she wanted to go onto his boat instead. She said no. I was surprised, in fact everyone was. She went on trying to explain why, but honestly I think she would rather spend time with me.

My thoughts were confirmed a couple weeks later. Again she was on my boat. This time she was the only girl, or maybe her sister was there too, I do not know. She was trying to start up conversations but was failing miserably, I smile just thinking about it. In the morning I was reading the truth or dare wrappers from the gum. One of the dares was inappropriote and I did not even dare to read it out loud to everyone else. I just said that I could not believe they were allowed to print it. Everyone ended up bothering me about it for the rest of the morning.

The afternoon was different. We had some decent conversations. I tried to stay conservative, but it only made her try to keep talking to me. I started to slightly ignore her. She then started look hurt, although she was good at hiding it. I just told myself that it was best for us to have huge limits.

During the instructor/employee dinner I sat diagonal to her. I pretended to talk to my fellows next to me and told stories and had a great time. She watched me the whole time and laughed along with us. I felt so light, maybe it was her, but I think it was the beer. I took a picture of the pizza and beer so I would never forget that night.

At the end of the summer everyone was sad. Not everyone was planning on coming back the next winter. I was and so was she. I guess I cannot get away from her. If she was older or I was younger we probably could be something, but that was not meant to be.

We can never be together, not with this age difference. Almost 7 years. Anyways she deserves someone better. She is just so smart, pretty, kind, unique, and is not afraid to be herself. At least we can be friends. I know I will see her a lot.

The summer ended, but I knew it could not be helped. My job continued on. I ended up helping out at a boatbuilding club. The first meeting I was sitting in a chair and was watching all the students enter the room. In she walks. I was not expecting her, I did not even know that she went to this school. I surprised her too. I said a desperate hi before I contained myself. She just smiled. Part of me was disappointed and hurt, but another part was relieved. Maybe she did not have a feelings for me like I expected, or she knew it could never work out.

This pains me, but I know it is right. Maybe things will change in the upcoming spring and summer sailing season. Maybe they will not. I just hope I can move on soon. I hope she will too. I wish we could be together, and it pains me, but it could never be.