She Left Me

I don't understand why Mama left me. Sometimes it makes me want to scream. Other times I just cry.

Papa says that Mama loves me, that when I'm older I'll understand. I don't understand that. Tristan's Mama loves him and she's with him every day. His Mama looks at me with sad eyes sometimes. I don't like it. It makes me angry and sick, like she knows a secret that I don't. Papa says Shayla just has one of those faces, because he doesn't like looking at her either. He always says it in front of her (probably because he wants to start a fight), but Tristan says that it doesn't bother his Mama. Papa doesn't know that I see it, but when he looks at Shayla, his eyes look sad, but he feels angry. I don't understand how he can be both.

Auntie explained death to me, and I thought that made sense. That's why Mama couldn't visit me. That's why I couldn't see her. I asked Papa why he didn't tell me that Mama had died. He looked confused and then angry, and asked me who told me that Mama was dead. He doesn't like when Auntie tells me things because he says that 'she doesn't understand shit.' And she's a bitch. (I'm not supposed to say those words. Papa says that Mama will know that he curses in front of me.) Papa said that my Mama isn't dead. I got angry. Papa let me scream. He sat on the floor and pulled me into his lap and he rocked me while I cried. I fell asleep and dreamed. I dreamed of a soft voice, warm and soothing, that told me I was loved. I felt a gentle touch, so gentle that I almost missed it, and it made me cry. I didn't want to lose the feeling.

I woke up, and Papa was watching over me. He talked to me about what happened and he told me that he was sorry he couldn't take my hurt away, or explain things. He told me again that everything would make sense when I was older. I was tired of hearing that, and tired of waiting.

I was going to find Mama.