Existential crises

Feelings are not supposed to be logical

Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.

David Borenstein

Everyone thinks of themselves in a very certain way. Even I wasn’t an exception to this simple rule. I had a vision, of who I needed to be in order to succeed and what would be the things that would prevent me from achieving this aim. And also the things that would undoubtedly bring me greatness.

The power.

The advantage.

And I was sure I envisioned all of those things. The word perfection lingered over me, creping alongside of me, lurking underneath my shadow. Filling my dark, immortal soul… a soul that never heard of a beating, feeling heart.

Now let me tell you one thing. The word immortal implies an enormous length of time, and even then when your existence is stretched endlessly in front of you, it is still essential that you use it wisely.

You live twenty, thirty life spans or more. You think: I’ve seen it all, experienced everything that the world has to offer. The world that is above you, beneath you, and right in front of you. There’s nothing that can surprise you. Nothing that can shock you. And how can it? You’re in control of yourself, of the situation. You make the rules... and if someone breaks the rules...

Well, that’s their problem, isn’t it?

If they don’t respect their life, their existence to this place, they pay the price.

The fear exists only on their side. You feel settled, people crumble in your presence. You can crush lives like they’re thin, dry twigs. One snap and they’re gone. Easy. Simple. The fragile ones, the weak. Pathetic little humans, packages for the souls. Boxes for the eternal light.

And you’re the master. The ruler. You can give, you can take, no guilty conscience to speak of. Not necessary. Because I’m free of all those weaknesses. I don’t need them, I don’t possess them.

And who would want such a thing? A conscience, please. Just another obstacle to worry about… worry, what an ugly word. Nothing slows you down more than looking back on what you’ve done. I don’t do that... I don’t stop myself to care or regret. The only way that I look is forward. Nothing stops a demon such as myself, from achieving its goal. And nothing was ever going to change that… until now.

Because something happened, something much unforeseen. This tiny sparkle of life that appeared in my so-called life… well, in my existence anyway. Another challenge, another assignment. That’s what I thought, but unexpectedly I was wrong. Dead wrong. And this little creature comes and changes everything. She turns your underworld upside down. And makes it her own. A world you don’t belong in, but a place you want to linger in.

Step by step, she pushes you, challenges... makes you think about stuff you haven’t considered before. She scratches the surface until the walls start to fall off. She doesn’t break you; she breaks through your defenses. Through your firewall, and doesn’t mind the fire. She enjoys the burning flames that are left behind if what she gets back is something different, something that’s beautiful to her, and something so ugly to you, that you never want it to see the light. These aren’t normal reactions. Not for a human. It’s not like that with them.

Because you run away from the fire, you don’t embrace the flames with gratitude. And that was my precise problem. I underestimated my opponent because I expected “normal”. And most of all, because the word opponent didn’t apply here. You don’t see greatness in someone so little, someone so fragile.

I didn’t expect her to find normality in me. Because there wasn’t a single bone in my body that cared… until a fragile young woman made me think twice. Well her name said it all really. If from the day that you’re borne, you go by the name that means “loveable”… well yes, then it’s definitely not a good sign for a devil without any feelings to speak of.

Well, that’s what I assumed, believed it really… hmm, in the non-religious way of course. That’s what I have been told, and I had no reason to ever question it. Nothing in me, that could speak otherwise. No good on the inside, no gentle warmth, just the scorching heat of Hell, all wrapped in an ice cold chest.

Right. Until. Now.

But even now, after everything I had to go through with this one, I still don’t choose to accept this situation. These things, that had crept inside of me, it wasn’t natural to me. It was almost like a mutation. An unwanted virus. An unwelcomed disease. These things were changing me… and unfortunately, it wasn’t for the worse.

And I’m old enough to say that I don’t like changes. I resent them unless I’m winning… let’s just say that for the first time in my lifespan, I don’t feel very victorious. The word lost keeps pushing itself at me. Misplaced in Hell, trust me, there’s no greater fall than that. But it doesn’t matter. Because I’m going to deal with this whatever the consequences, I will win, I will conquer. NOTHING shall stop me.

Not even a warm, beating, human heart.

Especially not that.

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