trains in the night
*
It’s after midnight and I sit on a train, looking out the window, a dark night in front of me, passing small towns, buildings, homes with lights shining inside. I stare for a moment at the glass as it reflects my tired face. I see my green coat and a lavender scarf tied around my neck a couple of times. I unwrap it and sigh. My long brown hair going in all places, my cheeks flushed from the cold weather. I look at my own eyes and then focus on the sights again. Too exhausted to even consider why I feel like this. Why I feel so bad and why I was on this train. All I knew is that back then, I needed to get out of my flat, I needed the fresh air and the faint noises of my hometown.
I had to get out, so I wouldn’t start screaming, surrounded by the defining silence of empty walls and the rumble and clatter of my own thoughts. I thought I would just walk around for an hour or so and get back. Just grab some fresh air and use up some extra energy that made me almost twitch by now.
I thought that... but somehow I landed at the train station, darkness surrounding me, except for a few lights on the platform. I set absentmindedly on a bench as the wind blew stronger with every second. I shivered and tucked myself away lower in my coat, trying not to freeze like an ice sculpture. My whole body shaking with urgency. I stared at the empty track and tried not to think about anything. Focusing on the cold that tried to get under my clothes and was definitely succeeding. I set there for a very long time, forgetting about my surroundings and what hour it was. I started to get up, deciding it was time to end this madness when I heard a sound.
I stopped moving and saw the train arrive at the station. I lifted my sleeve and stared at my watch, blinking hard. It was the midnight train. I looked up at it, stopping and gazing at the door as it opened. I freeze for a second but make a quick decision. I had nowhere to be. It was Friday night and there was no work, no responsibilities. My family was out of town, I was alone at my flat, and the person I wanted to see no longer belonged to me. Probably too busy to even notice. Arranging his own traveling plans... that didn’t include me... career before anything else. I sigh and get lost in my own thoughts. I hear the train making leaving noises and I snap back into life. I quickly ran to it, and jumped in, the doors shutting behind me.
...
That was almost an hour ago, and now I sit on this train without a ticket or even a plan. My clothes spread against the empty seat in an empty wagon. My thoughts running in all the direction, my mind lost while I sit in a still position, my body almost unmoving. What happened to me? When did I get lost and forgot completely about myself? Was it when I met him? When did I decide, that he and his career were my priorities and sole meaning in my life? When did I lose that part of me that fought for herself?
I stare at the window again and look at my reflection, not really seeing my face.
I close my eyes for a moment and feel my body get heavier with every passing second. The soothing noises of the engine rocking me to sleep. My thoughts wandering around... I am here on this train. With no luggage, no ticked and with 57$, a single quarter and some gum in my pocket... and just before I drift off to sleep, I am hit with a realization. Somehow I have finally let go of whatever was holding me back. I took a midnight train and let it take me away. Even if it was just for one day, even if it was just a tiny adventure, I suddenly felt more relaxed than I have been in months...
I faintly hear the door to the wagon creek, smell musk in the air and listen to a gentle voice say...
Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here...
I don’t hear the rest, my consciousness finally giving up.
A new story beginning on the midnight train.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1Nt6u1Ld2A&feature=youtu.be
and thanking Heda for the song :)
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