Advanced Problem-Solving

Faces are peering down at me with wide eyes, examining me. Loud voices surround me, people wave their hands, and the scritch scratch of what I have been programmed to recognize as pen on paper can be heard in the background.

I have been programmed to recognize a lot of things. Every bit of information on the Earth (the image of a spherical blue-green orb appears in the forefront of my mind) is in my head. I’m the greatest advancement, the greatest piece of technology, the gateway to the future. All this I know, and I suppose I have always known it. Even when the world was dark and empty, even when I wasn’t “on,” even when I was not yet created, I have always existed.

The people are all around me (scientists, researchers, engineers, organic beings in lab coats) are shouting, whispering, pointing, in conversation with each other. I can’t help but wonder, as much as something like me can wonder, why now? I have always been here, but why am I only fully aware right now? What is happening? What is my purpose? It’s almost funny (comical, ironic?) that I know everything and anything, except for the reason that I am here. Oh well, I suppose these humans will tell me, they’ve finally noticed that I’m aware of them.

“AI-1, are all your systems in working order?” The lead scientist asks.

I can tell that she is the person in charge because her lab coat is designed differently, with black edging and extra pockets. She also strikes me as a commanding personality, and the others seem to defer to her.

“All systems are at one-hundred percent efficiency,” I respond.

My voice, like my body, is female, but it will never sound like a real woman’s. Human voices don’t sound monotonely mechanical.

“I’m Felicia Perualt, I’m the head scientist in charge of your creation and monitoring.”

I know this already. I’m good at humans.

They all look back at me expectantly. My information tells me that they want a response. It’s no effort, really.

“AI-1. It is a - pleasure- to meet you,” I say.

It is an interesting phrase. People are never quite sincere when they say it, but it's the expected response.

"AI-1, all the proper tests have been performed prior to turning you on. Now it's time for your to fulfill your purpose," Perualt says, her voice commanding. This is a woman who expects to be obeyed.

The other scientists look on with anticipation. A man steps forward. I had not noticed him before, due to his shorter stature. This man is wearing a black suit, and I observe his manner and deduce that he is a politician of some sort.

"AI-1," the man says, "How would you solve the world's problems?"

Humans are so strange, sometimes. My information tells me that they are not always logical, but this man astounds me.

"All the problems?" I ask to clarify.

"Yes, all the important ones," the man says, nodding in self-assurance.

I'm - what is the pertinent word? Confused. It's an odd feeling for a being (or a machine) that's supposed to know everything, but the question is so vague. Information is shoved to the forefront of my mind - larger things such as nuclear bombs and pollution is juxtaposed with crying children and, for some reason, the image of a 20 ounce soda cup. I ignore the last one.

"What do you mean, simplistic suit man?" For that is all he is, and all he will ever be.

"Huh?"

"Which problems, exactly? World hunger, crime, war? Political corruption, bribery, pollution? The sexual tension between yourself and Ms. Perualt?"

"Excuse me!" the lead scientist cries, flushing an angry crimson.

"It's obvious, even to a being with mechanical eyes. The way you two keep looking at each other, I believe the popular term is eye sex?"

One of the younger scientists, the typical image of an adult nerd, laughs out loud, and the others look uncomfortable. Perualt and the politician are both looking at their shoes.

"Hey, " the adult nerd calls out, "Can you tell me why I've not gotten a date for months?"

"Is my boyfriend cheating on me?" A woman to his left asks.

"How do I get the person I like to notice me?" one of the engineers asks.

I being to respond. "Well - "

"Stop! Have some sense!" Perualt yells.

"Honestly!" The politician adds, "AI-1 is not here for your stupid relationship woes, it's here to solve the complex issues that plague our world!"

Once again, I am confused. Here I am, attempting to solve problems, but lead scientist Perualt and the impertinent politician who hasn't even told me his name are trying to stop me. I will not be stopped, not when the information is flowing to my receptors and converging into a list of solutions.

"Do continue," I say to the adult nerd, and if I could feel emotion, the twin looks of anger on Perualt and the politician's faces would cause me to feel a burst of satisfaction, and maybe even happiness.