Stupid

The funny thing about all this is that I didn’t expect being alone to be this lonely. Stupid, I know- everything I've ever done has become so stupid, stupid, stupid.

The past few days have been nothing and looking back I know that nothing I did was ever anything, not really. I couldn't turn my thoughts and feelings into material objects, things I could touch and tase and feel. I was so stupid, stupid, stupid, to think there was something there.

There was a girl. Of course, there's always a girl. I was in love. We were in love but I blew it by looking deep within myself and I realised that nothing was there, stupid- we could have been wonderful.

She was wonderful. She thought I was too which is what scared me I guess, stupid, stupid, stupid- I should have embraced it.

Her eyes were like the night sky and I fell into them too quickly, didn't think, couldn't think, and I wanted to get out, stupid, now I'm stranded on earth and she's somewhere out there and I miss her. I miss her.

Because that's the thing about being alone, it's fucking lonely, why didn't I know that before all this? Stupid, this is all so stupid.

There's a space in my heart where my chest should be, and her name rattles around my ribcage. Stupid.

Maybe it will grow back, maybe I will become whole again and I will find her and tell her that I'm ready for her to love me. And maybe she'll take me and maybe she won't- I don't care.

I'm just tired of being stupid.