where my mind goes when i am alone

I looked at my best friend and smiled, "Bye! I'll see you tomorrow!" I gave her a hug and waved before I hopped into my own car. We pulled out and started the journey home. It was weirdly silent since my sisters both had other places to be. My brother and I tended to the quietest two of the bunch anyway.

"So, how was school? How did you do on that math test you had?" my mother asked.

"School was alright. I got an eighty on the math test though and it dropped my grade like five percent."

"Wow, well an eighty isn't bad though." Yes, it is. You practicially failed and now your grade is lower than a 95%. You are going to do horrible on the next test and then you won't have an A anymore. It took you forever to get your grade up last time.

"Yeah," I didn't really know what to say.

The rest of the ride was done in silence. And almost as soon as we pulled up I got out of the car and headed inside. I dropped everything off and sat on my bed. Glad to be free from that suffocating car. Though I spoke too soon.

You know you did absolutely horrible on that last test. What happened to being the perfect child, huh? Can you do anything right? If you aren't perfect then your parents aren't going to want to deal with you anymore. They already have your other siblings that they have to help out.

But, (friend's name) got a score lower than me and she is fine. Her grade is lower than mine and it's not that big of a deal.

Oh, but that's different. You are better than this. Why can't you just be good enough. It was probably one of the easiest concepts ever. Gosh, you are so pathetic.

I sighed out loud. Glad that I was in my room and that no one could see me right now. You are right, I told the voice.

Glad we got that settled, now lets move onto the rest of the issues. Why are you so fat. Is it really that hard to not eat? I thought that I told you to skip at least one meal a day and then we could increase it from there. Why didn't you listen. You know that I only want what's best for you.

But I weigh less than 100 pounds. How can I be fat when (friend's name) weighs more and she isn't fat at all. And I was really trying hard to skip more meals but my dad was catching on and wouldn't leave me alone. I only got away with it for three nights because I went to bed before my dad got home and my mom doesn't notice.

You know that's different. (friend's name) is fine as she is and is beautiful. Don't you want to be beautiful? Have you seen that chunk of fat on your stomach, and your huge thighs. Do you exercise at all? Goodness, its no wonder than no boy will ever see you as anything more than a brain.

Okay, I get it. I'm fat and ugly. I will try harder to bypass my dad next time.

Good. Now, onto the next thing. Do you remember that comment you said earlier? To your "friend". Well, that was actually so rude. And you probably offended them. They said it was fine but it really wasn't. They hate you now.

But, I really wasn't trying to be mean. I was just tired and my tone came out harsh. They don't hate me, they couldn't. They wouldn't lie. Would they?

Of course they would lie! They don't care about you. No one does. They just pity the poor quiet girl who is so fat and ugly. Don't you ever listen to what I tell you. No one will ever love you. You are just a mistake. No one cares. Why don't you just disappear, go kill yourself or something. You are just a burden and it would be better if you just died.

I know. I know. I know. I know, OKAY. I wish I could just kill myself. I am too much of a coward. I can't even hurt myself properly, OKAY. I understand. I get it. No one loves me and no one ever will. I am just a mistake, who would ever love a mistake. I need to be perfect and beautiful and then someone will love me. But no one else has to be perfect because no one is perfect. But I still need to be. That's the way things are. WHY CAN'T ANYONE LOVE ME! WHY AM I SUCH A MISTAKE! I HATE MYSELF! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH! WHY DOES EVERYONE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I AM FINE! I HATE MYSELF! I yell to the voice in my head. As, I quietly sob to myself, making sure that I am not loud enough to be overheard.

Good, good. You are starting to get it. But did you really have to yell at me. I am only doing what is best for you. Now, what are you going to do to be closer to being perfect?

I know! I will skip two meals tomorrow. I'm sorry, I was so rude. I will be better tomorrow. I'll tell them sorry again tomorrow. Oooohh! I will also make sure to retake the test tomorrow so that I can get a better score.

Perfect, you are getting the hang of this. Soon you won't need me anymore to give you advice. You will just be able to know what to do to make everything right. Maybe we can evne get you to draw some red lines before I leave.

Yes, of course. Wouldn't that be so great! Thank you, you have helped me so much.