Toxic Blue Eyes

12:04am

I had yet to open my car door as I held my keys in one hand, and the vibrating phone in the other. I quickly get in and turn on my heater to get away from the California cold, allowing myself to lean back into my seat and breathe for the first time that day. I’m just trying to stay awake. My phone keeps vibrating so I finally glanced down at it, then instantly lost the strength to drive away.

“Are you awake? I need some to tell you something!”

My body was worn out from the long day, but my heart is exhausted from his pursuits.

The texts keep coming, filled with apologies for reaching out to me so late. Claiming he had lost track of time. He’s running out of excuses to tell me; we both know he’s braver in the moonlight.

I scroll through the messages he’s sent me in just the last couple weeks, trying to figure out how I’ve allowed myself back in this position.

“I’m so happy you’re in my life again!”

“Our relationship is one of the most important stages of my life!”

“You still know and understand me so well!”

Each time I had responded as nonchalantly as I possibly could, not giving him a reason to pursue. My messages were fill with attempts of avoiding emotion, though that was impossible. Our relationship has always been filled with such high-strung and messy emotions.

“She’s picked out a ring, and I’m proposing to her in July!”

I thought about him standing at an altar, finally ready to start his forever, confident in the decision he’s made. I imagined the look in his eyes, wondering if would be the same one he first gave me three years ago.

Mitchell had made me believe that love at first sight was real. Not because of the laughter we shared when I saw his Doctor Who T-shirt or the instant attraction I felt to his chivalrous charm. I knew Mitchell loved me by the way he couldn’t keep his toxic blue eyes off me the entire night. He had tried to hide his helpless look behind every single one of those freckles I would softly tease him over. That night I finally understood what it meant to look at someone and feel at home, Mitchell had found that within me.

He had fallen in love with me and I adored having someone be in love with me.

And for a moment I believed he finally fallen in love with someone else.

The buzzing from my phone has finally stopped just in time for me to get the latest moonlight conversation we had.

“My girlfriend doesn’t know I’m talking to you, but I will keep talking to you, because I want too. I just don’t want her to find out”

How foolishly optimistic must I be to believe he has grown or this time he would be different? When time and time again he has found his way begging to be back in my life through deceitfulness and manipulation.

I imagined her lying next to him asleep, dreaming about how he’s going to propose with the ring she’s picked out, completely unware of what’s happening right next to her.

I feel overwhelmed with guilt.

My guilt is not from knowing I am a secret, for I am not responsible for the lies that Mitchell tells. I have been a sister to her, honest in telling her his schemes. She is not naïve; she knows the truth about him, the women he keeps in the dark, but she has chosen to stay. My heart cries for her, and has offered her a place in my home, a place for her to heal Each time I’ve extended my hand, she has slapped it away. I believe she doesn’t want to hear it. I want to tell her there is strength in surviving in a toxic relationship, but how there is more strength moving on.

I understand that no matter how he crawls and lies his way back to my doorstep, even if I don’t let him in, the blame will always be upon me for even coming to the door. I cannot hate her for how she feels, it isn’t her fault. Yet, she knows of the women he has brought into his bed. She forgives him every time he tells her where he’s been, believing every promise he’s made to never to do so again. As she lays there sleeping, she remains unaware that through all the woman Mitchell has in his life, I am still the one he needs to hide. Perhaps that’s why she can forgive him for the other woman. He tosses them aside, but I’m the constant in his life.

So, my guilt comes from not knowing about a lie, but about a truth. One that nobody but herself can make her see: He is in love with her because he needs to be in love with someone.

She is not a settlement, but instead she is trapped in Mitchell’s never-ending search for self. Because even though Mitchell needs to be in love with someone, more than that, he needs to stay in a place of comfort. I wonder, if I never pushed Mitchell out of his comfort zone, asked him to strive for more out of his life, to go after everything he was scared to believe in, if she would be the one wearing the wedding ring.

Not that it matters, not that it should matter.

I used to believe that each time he would leave my life it’s because I wasn’t enough for him. He would come and takes what he could from me, then realizes I’m too much of a challenge, that I’m too difficult for him to be with. Now there is nothing left of the girl he once knew to take.

He continues to come back anyways.

Because it was never about me being good enough, it’s about him, wondering if this time I’ll finally settle for the mediocrity of his life, to simply accept his toxic flaws and remain loyal. I am a challenge: one that he will never be worthy enough to conquer.

He fails to realize as time passes the distance to get to me is further away. I see him chasing after me and then turn around to stroll on back to her. She awaits him in his place of comfort, where I’m worried she will never leave. I want to take her with me. To let her know if she’s ever ready to join me, I’ll carry her along the way.

Because if he’s made my heart feel exhausted, her heart might feel like it’s not there at all.

12:08am

I’ve caught up to all his messages as my phone rings once more.

“If you’re not awake, it’s okay, we’ll talk another night”

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say, if I should say anything at all.

My world is more peaceful without him, my future has become unlimited without him holding me back.

Yet, I still search the for someone who will look as lost as his toxic blue eyes did when they see me, as if they have found home. As if I am the sun of their world. I’m terrified no one else ever will.

“I’m awake, what do you need?” I respond, still exhausted, still guilty.

On the first night we met my heart felt flustered, my mind was racing, my body shaking over his touch. Tonight, everything in me was still, finally understanding why I’m back here.

He needs to be in love with someone, I need to feel loved by someone.

I don’t love him back, I’m not quite sure if I ever did.

Maybe one day I’ll tell him that.

Maybe one day I’ll mean it.

#ShortStory #Relationships #Love #Heartbreak #Exhuastion #Ex #BlueEyes