I Am Not a Priest.

As I sit down, the person on the other side of the gray mesh coughs softly. Before I can begin confessing my sins, he begins with his own sort of confession.

“I am not a priest,” the voice says. “I am actor Anthony Hopkins.”

“Nice to meet you, Sir Anthony Hopkins,” I reply. “But where is Father Martin, might I ask?”

“Hmm. Would you laugh if I said stewing in a pot of fava beans, next to a nicely chilled Chianti?”

I giggle—my only response.

“Though not actually a priest, I would most assuredly still like to hear your confession.” He clears his throat. “If that’s alright by you.”

Although it may not result in absolution, I think I might enjoy giving confession to Hannibal Lector. “Yes, that would be quite nice.”

“Where do we begin?” He sounds sincere and focused.

I begin to pour out my sins. One by one they flow through the thin, opaque barrier between us.

“Forgive me, Fath—Sir Anthony, it has been a week since my last confession. In this time, I’ve pleasured myself twice, lied to my saint-of-a-mother once, and killed a handsy suitor.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. In truth and sooth.”

“What do I say? To that?” Sir Anthony’s voice is hesitant, somewhat muffled. It might be that his hand is covering his mouth.

“You ask that I do three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and promise to do better in the future.”

“That’s all. I don’t, at least, ask about the poor boy you murdered or get detailed accounts of the other lesser sins?” Mr. Hopkins seems a bit baffled.

“Nope. What I say to you is protected and must be shared of my volition. Now you pray for my soul and it’s on to the next confessor.”

“This is not, at all, what I expected.”

“Anthony—if I may address you as such—always expect the unexpected. Now I’m off, a busy week of grave sins to be accomplished.”

“But—“

I didn’t wait to hear his rebuttal or further questions. As I’d said, there were deeds to be done in preparation for next week’s confession. Maybe Father Martin will be back by then.

* This was penned for a challenge about the weirdest thing to hear a priest say during confession. But ended up being longer than the 100 word maximum count for submission. So, I’ll just post it here. :-)