FINDER
The mood has struck me to pass along my secret, and for the life of me I can’t say why. Let’s just say I have an overwhelming desire to spill my guts to you, so make use of this admission as you will and as a result, who knows, my game might just be your gain.....Truthfully, guys, if you’re gonna cheat on your wife, let me tell you how it’s done.
Do not get involved with anyone too close to home. You don’t want to bump into a conquest at the Piggly Wiggly. That would be awkward.
Learn to recognize the difference between needy and horny. Needy women will hunt you down. Horny women want it as much as you do and will do anything to get laid, no strings attached. It’s best to find a desperate housewife; the type of woman who doesn’t want to split because they are financially dependent on their husband. They are so tired of reading 50 shades of grey. They want to live it, even if it’s just for one night.
When I go out of town on business, I browse the local happy hour scene looking for a ladies night group. Watch for the heavy hitters, the women who order shots or martinis, and then listen from as far away as you can to still hear their conversation, but not close enough for them to call you creepy. Like clockwork, before long, at least one of them, if not all of them is going to start bashing their husbands. Decide which one makes you the hottest, wait for her to get up to take a pee, and literally, bump into her. Say something like, “Ouch looks like I need your number for insurance purposes.” She’ll laugh, you’ll introduce yourself and shake her hand caressingly, brushing her arm gently with your other hand and then ask her if you can buy her a drink. Boom. Of course it helps if you are as good looking as me, which is highly unlikely. Good luck anyway.
Oh. And it helps if you find a woman to marry that isn’t jealous, like my Laura. You could say I don’t deserve her, but you don’t know how good I treat her. She’s everything a man could want, but the little head wants what it wants and just has bigger ideas from time to time. What can I say?
With my last conquest, I must admit I went a little outside the box, because she was sitting by herself, but I couldn’t help but notice how fast she ordered her second martini. Check. Here’s the thing. She could have been a psycho bitch. If so, I figured she was a drop dead gorgeous psycho bitch; long black straight hair, smokey mysterious eyes, and “really need to touch them” breasts. But without watching her interact with other chicks, how could I get a good read? Who am I kidding. Any one of my hook ups could be a psycho bitch. Let’s just say I’m addicted to the thrill of the game, because the risk is part of the fun. But with this one, there was something about her telling the big head and the little head yes and no at the same time. Strange. Hell. I went with the yes option because she was so damn hot. We wound up sleeping together back at my hotel room and double damn, it was good sex and then I find out she lives in my general area. CRAP! Must have been the alcohol because next thing I know, I’m telling her my wife and I are looking for a new house, and then she’s telling me she’s a top RE agent and she asked me what we are looking for. Don’t ask me why, I let her talk me into her showing us a listing that just came on the market that checked all our boxes. We had been looking for almost a year and I was tired of the hunt. Hunting down a house does not appeal to me the way hunting a woman does. But was I Cra Cra to put this woman together with Laura? Nah. Laura’s just not the jealous type and anyway, before we slept together, this woman told me not to get hung up on her.
It was weird. The next business day, from the office, I went to dial the agent’s number to make arrangements to see the house, and she picked up so fast I didn’t hear a ring. She said she’d meet us at the listing at 630 pm. I told Laura that the agent was a friend of Rob’s from work and that she has a listing we are going to love. After we saw the house and declared it to be “the one,” we got back in the car and I noticed Laura’s behavior was out of character. I do believe she was jealous of the real estate agent that may have just found us our dream home. Did she sense something about my indiscretion?
“What do you think of the real estate agent?”
“Do you have to ask? Do you think I didn’t notice you checking her out? What do I think? I think she’s wearing too much make up, too much perfume and not enough clothes. Truthfully I felt like offering her my jacket to cover up her cleavage. Don’t even try to tell me you didn’t notice. That woman is not just advertising real estate. Really Steven. I was about to tell you two to get a room. Do you know how many times she touched your arm? Huh. 7 times Steven.”
“You counted?”
“Yes. I counted. Do you even know how long I pretended to clear my throat before I was able to get your attention to get you back to the car? I started to think you were going to forget we were together and drive off with her instead of me. Do we have to deal with her? These agents are a dime a dozen.”
“Seriously Laura, I don’t know what you are talking about. I thought the whole time we were in the house we were nothing but professionally cordial. What’s the deal? You jealous or something? I’ve never seen you act this way.”
Maybe Laura was sensing what I was sensing. Something about the agent just gives me the creeps, even if she is gorgeous and the fact that I know what she looks like naked and Laura doesn’t has nothing to do with my discomfort. The bottom line is, she has just found our dream home. I really started to regret picking her up at the bar and letting her talk me into showing us this house, but then again, it is a great house.
“Seriously Laura. We both can agree this is our dream house. Let’s just meet her back at her office and plunk down a deposit. We won’t have to deal with her long.”
“Look ahead at her vanity plate. FINDER. Yeah I’ll bet she’s a FINDER. A finder of married men. I know her type.”
“Seriously Laura. Knock it off. And she said her name is Karen. I don’t know what’s gotten into you. You know I only have eyes for you. Take that puss off your face. Let’s both be respectful of her and get this deal done.”
Back at the agent’s office, Laura calmed down when she saw me whip out my checkbook.
I asked FINDER, also known as Karen, “Hey Karen, by the way, what’s up with those couple of headstones next to the property? Laura doesnt seem bothered by it, but I found it a little creepy. Will that affect our resale value?”
Karen replied, batting her eyes at me, “Not at all. No worries. Only adds to the charm and intrigue of this neighborhood. Don’t you know about the legend of Whispering Pines? It’s Casperish as in Casper the friendly ghost. The ghosts really love to hang out with their descendents. Supposedly they will play all sorts of tricks to get their kin back on the soil of their family origin.”
Laura chimed in, “My family is originally from this area. She’s right. The headstones add to the charm. I love the house with or without the headstones. Don’t worry about it Steven. This is it, our dream home. Let’s do it.”
Here’s the strangest part of the story. I’m at work the next day and I wanted to talk to Karen about a closing date and to tell her to make sure we keep things light and professional going forward. I called the number on the card she gave me and it was a disconnected number. Strange I thought. I decided to look up Karen’s agency. When I called they said “No Karen works here.” Was my gut right all along? Was this some psycho bitch stalker type playing mind games on me, trying to get revenge because she knows I’m a player?
The only person I could talk to about the disconnected number was Laura, my rock, so I called home, just hoping that this Karen or whoever she was wasn’t out to bust my game. Why did I trust her? It would kill me to lose Laura.
“Honey, the strangest thing happened. The agent, Karen, aka FINDER; I can’t get in touch with her.”
“What are you talking about? We haven’t met with an agent yet. Were you having cocktails during lunch?”
“Honey. What are you talking about? We went there yesterday. Remember. Our dream house. 66 Clyde Way?”
“Honey, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh, I get it. You saw the same listing I just found on for sale by owner and you’re just messing with me. 66 Clyde Way does look perfect for us. We haven’t even seen it yet, but I can tell by the pictures, yes, you are right, we’ve found our dream home. I already started packing. I have a good feeling about this.
The coolest thing about it is, I believe it’s on the same land where my ancestors once lived. There are plenty of headstones in that neighborhood. Let’s do some gravestone rubbings. It will be cool if we live in a place on old family land, don’t you agree? Have you ever heard about the legend of Whispering Pines? Oh, by the way, I left a message on the voicemail for the for sale by owner listing. Won’t it be funny if the person that calls us back is named Karen?