suicide

dear suicidal thoughts, my old friend,

i haven't grown much less edgy since i last wrote you, it seems. but it's the truth - you are one of my oldest friends. i remember meeting you for the first time on the way home from school when i was eight. that tree outside our house had just been cut down, and for a moment it felt like the only constant in my world was gone. funny, isn't it? i didn't lose anything else. just a tree. and i saw you, sitting there, by the stump of that tree, smiling at me. i ran forward and you took my by the hands and told me that i would see you again.

somedays i wonder if that was actually you. you looked so different. so young. and when i next saw you, you had transformed. so much i didn't ever remember meeting you before. i was ten and a perverse sense of curiosity had me reading little notes written by your other friends. maybe it was because i'd read so much about you that i subconsciously wanted to see you again. or maybe i'd already been hurting and seeing all your friends' notes reminded me of who hurting people go to make friends with. you appeared and held me in your arms. little me thought that while your arms were colder than amelia's, they held me just as tightly, and so you would have to do while amelia was away.

i couldn't let you go ever since. you became a comfort. if anything were ever wrong in my life, i would look for you. i went looking for you when my teacher forgot to hand out the free kites at school. i went looking for you when i thought i'd forgotten to bring my homework to school. i went looking for you when i misunderstood my teacher's instructions and got scolded for it. little, little things, as little as that tree that was cut down. but your arms would wrap around me and for a few moments i could lose myself in your comforting embrace.

oh, i know you know you now all this already. you've been with be for so long. but i like to reminisce. humour me.

you wouldn't let go of me. and i wouldn't let go of you. you kept me company when the teacher was scolding the class as a whole, shouting into the microphone, harsh words blasting out of the speaker placed right in front of me. you kept me company when my friends wanted to go eat lunch in school, but i had to go because i had lunch at home, and i left feeling irrationally that i'd somehow been abandoned, or had abandoned them. you kept me company through all the little problems, and all the big ones.

i kept our friendship a secret. i think you'd be happy to know that. i didn't tell the therapist or the counsellor. i did tell the psychiatrist. but he didn't do much about that, probably because i'd been so uncertain about my response, and make it very clear i was not about to go on an outing with you. also probably because that was the last i saw of him. i wonder why...? i guess it's because the therapist took over my case, or something. hmm... aren't they supposed to share notes, though? why didn't the therapist ever bring it up? or... maybe the psychiatrist never did share notes. doctor-patient confidentiality and all that. hmm...

enough wondering about how all that works, back to reminiscing! i remember discreetly touring around the school to see all the places we'd been together. all the ledges, short fences, windows. sometimes while walking around the neighbourhood i would remember the places we'd been. remember the pull-up bar stand? it was so tall, and i had my school tie in my bag. that was, of course, the place i looked at briefly with you, on my way home after that whole 'my friends are eating lunch without me' thing.

oh! remember that day you tried really hard to convince me to go on a trip with you? that day before the physics exam. i didn't start my revision early enough and knew i couldn't fit in enough information in time. i even stood on that chair, by the window. i even went to the fridge where we kept all the pills. but nah. don't mean to insult or anything but i'd rather not go anywhere with you. you seem like that type to snore loudly in your sleep in the hotel room.

i haven't seen you for a while. at first i missed you. now i don't, really. i guess we've just grown distant. and maybe that's for the best.

i don't think i'll ever be able to fully let you go. i've known you for so long. i've already stopped meeting you, stopped phoning you. and maybe soon i'll stop writing to you. maybe this'll be my last letter to you. i know this hurts you and i'm sorry. but i promise you'll always be in my thoughts.

good night, suicidal thoughts.

yours always,

xycch