Circles

I just miss you, is all. I miss us. I've made many mistakes in these past several months, said many things I wish I could rescind, been misinterpreted and misinterpreted you for drastically terrible results. I've imagined things I could only dream of saying to you, of things you could say to me, of how we could appreciate and love each other in an unreachable and idealistic yet utterly picturesque manner. I've held so much in, and let so much out. And despite all that, I'm still plagued by turmoil, by doubt, depression, anxiety, fear. Guilt. I've hit all time lows and felt ways I'd hate to experience again.

You've been there for me, despite all the negativity, the pessemism, the emotion. And it only throws me further into a downward spiral of self-hatred and worthlessness. You are the reason I keep the blade from my neck that you put into my hands. You are the drug and I the addict. You are a poisoned cure. And I am tentative to seek alternative treatment.

It upsets me to no end that in trying to get closer, I've only seperated us further apart. In bridging a gap, a caused a fissure, and I can only hope that it might narrow with time. Talking with you now is always a fearful encounter, and one I now avoid if possible. Until I am forced to converse or the hell in my head screams so loudly that I can't help but release it, I favor silence, that I migh not confirm my fears of your disdain, or have you think even less of me than I fear you already do. I'm stuck, slave to my inner assumptions, casting out any shreds of reality I might have left, succumbing to paranoia and despair.

But even now, I try to make amends, I desperately wish to, and yet I'm not even sure if such apologies are expected, or needed. This inner conflict is likely a war compared to the real situation, and yet I can't tear myself from it. I simply hope we can reconcile, reunite, and rejoice. No matter the pain, loving the you I've seen is something I doubt I could ever end, and your genuine and unique friendship is one I would be remiss to lose.

I just don't want this to continue in endless circles. I want peace, inner and interpersonal. I want joy, camraderie, content, happiness. I only hope beyond all odds you might allow me the chance. One favor more, that's all.