Strange Feelings
Emotions are a condunrum. So simple, but so so complicated; so human but alien when you really try to understand them. But as a writer, am I not supposed to have a better understanding of thinks like happiness, anger and loss? Am I not supposed to put the feeling of love and joy into words? Or make the reader feel hate and despair? I'm supposed to recreated the chemical reactions the brain does, but with words. I can use nouns, adjective and other simple describing words to bring a simple feeling on. But deep rooted hate? Or love so strong it feels like your heart might burst? How am I supposed to put that feeling into words.
An old english teacher of mine once said "You cannot write something, unless you have expiranced it first." Maybe that's why I've never been able to write some things. I've never felt unconditional love, or crippling despair. I've never been so overjoyed I couldn't speak. But I can drive people to tears with only a handful of sentences. I can make people see red with a paragraph. What does that say about me?
Am I a loveless, joyless mess? Does that make me a sociopath or just a monster? I've known happiness, I've known small bits of love. I just... I can't feel things as intensely as others do.
Can't or haven't? I don't know.
I guess for now I'll just say haven't. I'm young with more room to grow, more time to experience things like love. I could blame the people I live with. I've never felt love with them, just different lines of respect. And my friends... All my life I've never had a 'best friend' just different people who's fates wind with mine for a few months, then seperate. Friends become strangers, and I could blame them for my loveless life.
Maybe I'm just scared. Scared of things I dont really know. I know the basics, like happy, sad, mad, and respect. Love scares me; the idea of completely devoting my heart to someone is terrifying. Hate scares me too. I can't bear the idea of hating so much it makes me want to hurt someone. Complex emotions scared the hell out of me.
So, in the end, maybe I am just scared. Scared of experiencing hate, love, joy and loss. I can avoid them forever, which means soon I might understand them. But I can damn well try to hide from them. I can live with my heart and soul locked away.