alleviation

the tears flow. well great. here come the waterworks. no, i’m not okay. i’m sick of people thinking these tears are from sadness but in reality they’re so much more. these tears are a cry for help- a cry for a chance to live to see tomorrow- a cry to feel something other than pure pain. you want to help? then stop babying me, it makes me feel worse; stop acting like i just watched the saddest pixar movie or like i’ve just been dumped, no.i am in pain. you cant fix me but you can make this feel a little less horrible. i don’t need your pity. i just need someone to comfort me. not fix me. because i can’t be fixed by two arms around me and a kiss. i can’t be fixed by being around someone or having someone genuinely love me,.yes, that makes me happy, but sadness and depression are two separate things. sadness can be helped by the presence of others. depression is deeper than a simple feeling- depression is the build up of all things bad, a build up of hidden feelings- a build up of numerous things that differ for each person suffering; that all sometimes build and build into a tower so high, it’ll crash. a building so high, it’s demise is inevitable. a building that is built up to the point where it can persuade someone to take away the one thing you can’t get back.why me...why me? why us, why now? these feelings have a fool-proof way to convince me, they know their way around my brain, they know what to say to trigger me- to make me feel they understand- like a snake following its prey ready to take a gulp and be satisfied... until it’s hungry once more. you can’t get rid of it. it’s stronger than you will ever be, it’s all too much. it’s all building up. it’s ready to attack, your chance to live is gone.as you run away it gets closer and you get tired and you want to stop but you run anyway. you know you can’t escape it but you run like you can. you get to the point where you wonder why you don’t stop the running and just stop your suffering. stop telling me not to be sad. i’m not sad, i’m empty. no, things will not get better. i will be alone even with you by my side.the hunger of this snake will not give up, it makes me run. i can’t hold on, i need to stop running. i’m out of breath and my legs are giving out, i need to feel something other than this emptiness, i need to know something other than this pain, i need to wake up from this never ending nightmare... i need to end this. she cocks her gun- i sit here with his two arms around me as he leans in for a kiss.