Deep Burdens Buried

Not recognizing yourself as whole or even being in touch with parts your own body or the concept taking care of it because you really don’t feel connected to who you see in the mirror can really fucking suck. It’s not the same as being insecure about yourself. It’s more of this is what I look like and I hate what I see because I don’t see myself, so why should I care for someone who I don’t love or know. Being in a changing room full of girls at the age of fourteen and knowing you feel utterly alone but not knowing why, chalking it up being shy or mature or just not liking those girls-but you do like a few of them. So why? Why do you feel that you are a walking conundrum in whatever in female based space you in habit? Wishing you to out of those spaces as soon as possible? Feeling a drop every time you think of the male friendships you lost because all of sudden you were growing up...and you were ‘changing’ so you couldn’t be friends in the same way or even be treated like you used to or get along in any of the same ways. Choking up because it’s something you’ve buried so deep because it was just something that ‘happens’. But, it never felt right. It never made sense. So you sit here and hold all these things in chalking it up being normal things everyone feels but realizing too late that not everyone really does and that shyness and these feelings don’t entirely match up.